Music for healing

I no longer have the time

Families

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
 (First line of Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy)

Well, Fuck. 

Showing up mess and all

Glennon Melton and Brené Brown have changed my world. They have changed how I view things. Glennon reminded me today that Showing up is greater than Showing off.  Show up. Be real. That's what I need more of right now.

Living in a new town and making new friends as an adult isn't easy. I'm so grateful one of these new friends reached out and was real about her need to BE REAL and say how hard life is right now.  I appreciate that soooo much. I want to hug her and tell her it's ok. That I'm lost too.  Together. We are all just walking each other home.  

I have been so exhausted lately and I'm not sure why.  Motherhood. Adulthood.  Allergies. Depression. Going off meds and changing up my body chemistry. Diet. Lack of exercise. Seasons changing.  Yes. All of it.

So I went to bed early last night, like 8pm instead of midnight.  I feel better today. And when I woke up I read Glennons real post about showing up.  And it answered something in me.  

I am spiritual by nature. I feel connected to others without explanation. I FEEL a lot. That's what I'm noticing more being off the meds.  I feel more without them.  The bad and the Good.  So I'm not sure what my next move will be but I'm grateful for the rest as respite I got last night.  

Pain in the deep

Loved ones are hurting tonight.

Because my husband and I have left the faith we were raised with. There is a lot of fear and misunderstanding.  Time will heal things.  And more hard conversations will help.  I wish I could ease the pain.  I know that at the beginning of everything for me I was overwhelmed and felt like I was drowning and nobody cared or understood.

There were a few who were patient and told me it would be ok in the end, however things ended up.  I didn't believe it.  So they told me again.  Then I started to have hope.  That I COULD survive.  And even enjoy life again.  But it wasn't overnight.  It wasn't in an instant.  It is only now, looking back, that I can see that I wasn't dying.  I was growing fins.

And now with all the raw emotions I'm going to take Glennon's advice: 

Buy it HERE

And finally this: 

Which you can also buy HERE

Gonna Blow!

Anger.

Apparently I have a lot of it.

I'm not totally sure how to diffuse it or deal with it appropriately.

I get angry at DH a lot. I feel I am almost always on the defensive.  Based out of fear.  Fear that I won't speak up. Fear that boundaries will be crossed. Fear that my BODY is the only thing desired.

See this:

photo from :HERE

 
Beautiful. Stunning.

Dangerous.

This is Mount Vesuvius in Italy.  You know, the one that blew and scorched Pompeii into stone mummies.

It feels like the anger is bubbling just under the surface.  Sadly if it blows I'm afraid it'll be like Pompeii and things will not survive.  Like our relationship.

But what kind of relationship is it if it is not wholly authentic and allowed to exist with ALL information?

Having other people here to witness my mess is embarrassing.

WHY DO I CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?

WHY AM I SO DAMN AFRAID OF BEING ANGRY!!

Going Private

First Private Entry

I set the blog to private; only *I* can read what is on the blog currently (and the server guys at google or blogger or whatever).  I'm hoping this will help me focus what I want and need out of this space.

Space. 

That's part of it.  A small corner of the universe/web-o-sphere that is mine.  

But I don't feel total freedom because I don't have access to type as needed.  That is frustrating.


***Edited to Add: I am moving it back to Public for the time being.  I have friends that perhaps this could benefit.  If I start feeling unsafe I'll move it back to private or password protected.***

A good bye of sorts

The only thing that we can be certain of in this life is change.  

It will always come. 

Often when you're not expecting it.

But this time I'm anticipating it. 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this blog from here on out.  

I might add to it.

I might go private.

I might change it.

I might go public.

But I know that it will likely not stay the same. 

I'm not the same person I was two years ago when I started this blog.

I've grown. SO MUCH.

I've learned. Loved. Been hurt. Been vulnerable. Been wise. Made mistakes and moved on. 

I will never discount the time I've spent here.

It has been healing. 

And for that I am so much better for it.

But knowing that it exists and it is related to the LDS Church is becoming a point of anxiety for me.  Thus I will ask to be removed from the blogroll and will likely not have the same audience. 

And I'm okay with that. 

It's like starting a new journal for me. 

I breathe a sigh of relief as I close the one that has held me through my pain and quandaries and dreams.  Now it is time for me to begin anew and start forging a different path. 

Exciting and terrifying all at once. 

Like the first day of school. 

If you need to contact me I still check email: madagaea (at) gmail (dot com of course) 

Here's to new adventures. 

Tally Ho!

If you need me I'll be over here eating muffins...

Living authentically is HARD. Crazy hard.  

I realized today I've been in numb mode.  

Numb the pain...and the joy. 

In order to get to the joy one must wade through the mire of pain.

At least acknowledge it is there and the muck stinks.

But I don't want to be vulnerable. Not yet. 

Maybe in my small circles of safety.

...maybe.

I've been thinking a lot about people EARNING the right to hear your story.  I want my story to be heard and validated but I don't want to throw it at just any passer-by (like random readers on the internet who I may or may not know in real life...hmm...AWKWARD)

For now I will reflect on the gratitude that I have found a select few.

It's not easy though. 

I'm really wishing for a magic wand or fairy godmother to come in and pack boxes and help me deal with the muck.  Or just deal with it FOR me.  

Too bad I don't believe in fairies. 

(Clap! Clap if you believe!)

Or maybe I just misplaced her phone number. 

 I'm sure I'll find it while I'm packing. 

Meanwhile I'm simply repeating this over and over until it sinks in: 

Ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Our family is relocating this summer. We are all excited about it. I feel like it will be good for our marriage and our family to be on our own.

But change is hard.

It means the house we've been working on with so much heart will be sold.  I hope the next owners will have the heart to keep its charm and continue where we leave off.  But, ultimately, I know that I'm not in charge and once it is not ours, that's it.  That's been hard to grasp. 

The friendships we've made here are valuable and lovely, but those will transform too.  Hopefully they can continue to be a blessing. We will miss them terribly.  

We will spend the summer getting used to new surroundings and new pattern and making new friends. 

A change is as good as a rest...right? 

I have a feeling this one will be. 

I wish the house would order and pack itself.  But it has been therapeutic to see things and decide I don't need them anymore.  I can let go of SO MUCH and still have EVEN MORE left over.  What is left behind isn't cluttered with junk, but made more precious in its singularity.  Sometimes I think of a friend I had in college whose house burned to the ground when she was a Junior or Senior in high school.  I envied her.  She lived life knowing that things are ultimately JUST things and relationships are what truly matter.  I feel a bit like my previous life has been burned to the ground. Luckily, we all made it out alive.  I know now that relationships ARE what matter and that is precisely why we are paring down our material possessions and moving- to show our family that we matter to each other.  

TRAILER HITCH

I wanna buy you a drink
Maybe one for this whole town
I may not have that much
But I don't mind spreading it around
Everybody chasing something
I don't know why they're running
I take my time to the finish line
'Cause we all end up with nothing

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Diamonds, champagne,
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Started my day
Giving away
All of my baseball cards
It felt so good by the afternoon
I gave some guy my car
It ain't about what you're driving
Or about the gold you're piling
The less I have to worry about
The more time I got for smiling

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Champagne, new plane
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Hey, hey

You can stack it up
Pack it up
Tie it with a big, red bow
Get a great, big truck
Back it all up
But you can't take it with you when you go
Can't take it when you go

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Diamonds, champagne, newest of the new planes
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Hey, hey
Hey, hey
Give it away,
Hey, hey
Give it away

Songwriters
BRANDON BUSH, KRISTIAN BUSH, TIM OWENS

Improbable Moments of Grace

"Here is what happened next.
     America went to war in Iraq, and my pastor, Veronica, gave a brilliant sermon about how, with the war raging in the Middle East, now was not the time to figure everything out, like who was to blame or whom we would vote for. It was not the time to get a new plan together and try to push it on through. It was time to be still, to get centered, to trust what we've always trusted in: friendship, kindness, helping the poor, feeding the hungry. So, having felt scattered for much of the past two years, I took Veronica's words to heart, and began to get quiet whenever possible, to go for longer walks on the mountain, to sit in beggy prayer and fretful meditation. My mind kept thinking its harsh thoughts, but I'd distract myself from them gently and say, "Those are not the truth, those are not trustworthy, those are for entertainment purposed only." 

~Anne Lamott in Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace

I've been in an odd place lately but I think this^ is what I have intuitively been doing.  Multiple friends have noted to me that I've gone radio silent on Social Media lately.  And I have.  Partly because I've been busy living.  And partly because I didn't feel I had anything significant to contribute so I didn't mind sitting back.  

Big changes are ahead and I feel the fear and excitement of it all.  

Not a lot has changed externally yet, but internally, I've been gutted and rewired and insulated.  (Many hours of therapy and meditating and pondering and working through stuff.) So. Much. Work. Just like our house that we bought.  It was falling down.  There were carpets that had to be torn out. Joists rebuilt. Walls insulated. Roof re-shingled.  But it's stronger now. It's much more WHOLE.  It has been loved deeply. All the way down to the joists. Now is when the cosmetic changes come about.  And with ME it is the same way.  I tried from the outside in once. It didn't work so well. I tried masking my pain with makeup and new styles or a fake smile.  But like painting over rust or MOLD- the paint eventually bubbles until you can't ignore it.  So I've done a lot of work.  And I can see there is a lot of work ahead.  But now that my shelter is stable I can sit for a while.  To ponder.  To dream.  To anticipate. To just BE.  And I'm rather enjoying it.  

I have come back to the world of social media, but it's different now.  Not because it is but because *I* am.  I am much more confident to be the AUTHOR of my story. The CONTRACTOR and CONSTRUCTION CREW of my safe place within me. 

And I consider that my own Small Victory.  

Prone to Wander

I was sitting in a beautifully paneled office today doing my warm up exercises while waiting for the chiropractor.  Over the speakers I heard this gorgeous instrumental music.  I gulped down the lump in my throat and blinked away the tears.  It was a song I know well.  As the music played I heard the words in my head and felt them in my heart.

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Here by Thy great help I've come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the throne of God
He to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

Oh, to grace how great a debtor
Daily Im constrained to be
Let that grace now, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Heres my heart, oh, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, Im fixed upon it
Mount of Thy unchanging love

***

I miss worshiping with those I love.  

I miss the divine and sacred experiences of being wholly (and thus holy) with others. 

It's not gone from my life forever. In fact, I think I have had more holy and sacred experience since I have decided to live wholly. But I felt the longing, the yearning today.  

And that's ok. 

And because that's ok I can see that I am making progress.

I *love* this version. 

Simple. 

Pure.

Not going to break me

I found this song today. Excellent timing universe.  I needed this:



Crista Wells
"This Thing Is Not Going To Break You"

You could not plan for this
No, there was no silhouette
Up against the pink horizon
To warn you of the hit
But you absorbed it all with grace
Like a child you spoke of faith unmoved
That holds onto you

This thing is going to try to break you
But it doesn’t have to
You’re showing us how
This thing is going to bend and shape you
But He won’t let it take you
You know it somehow
This thing is not going to break you

You  could take your loss
You could hide away from us
With your grief lassoed around you
But you’re laying it in the sun
And you stare straight into the light
You say you’d rather go blind than look away
What can I say?

This thing is going to try to break you
But it doesn’t have to
You’re showing us how
This thing is going to bend and shape you
But He won’t let it take you
You know it somehow
This thing is not going to break you
This thing is not going to break you
This thing is not going to break you

A Worthy Cause

If you happen to have a few bucks lying around put it to good use and help get the word out for The Togetherness Project.

CLICK *HERE* to Donate- it's easy peasy.

(If you don't- just well wishes and positive energy will help too)

Tortoise in a Hare's world.

Winter months.

Sickness travels.

My body is telling me to slow down. 

Walk.

Sit.

Be.

When inside I feel the urge to run from things I can't hide from.  The ugly parts of me that I don't want to own. 

I think it is no coincidence that it all comes at a time when I have stated out loud my desire to be healthier.  Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. And I think that I'm learning that to do this is a LONG process.  Not over in a day.  My counselor suggests that when we train for a marathon it is long hard work that can't be done in a single try.  

This is not what I expected. 

I imagined getting/being healthy would look like cute workout clothes and ENERGY! Lots of energy to Go and Do and CONQUER! And I'm finding the mental/emotional battle is HARD.  

EXHAUSTING.

My body is exhausted.

So I'm trying to slow down. 

Not just "take care of me" but to truly Care FOR me. 

This morning I started with a visit to the eye doctor.  I've been to the chiropractor, hospital for x-rays of my back, medical doctor for body, counselor for mind, and some wise authors for spirit.  I AM taking charge of my life.

I just had no idea it would be this exhausting.

(Not to mention raising 3 boys and working to build a healthy relationship with my husband...) 

Just reading all of that reminds me that it is a LOT of work and that I have every right to be exhausted.  

So here's to naptime! May it come swiftly and without anger. 

Closing doors

"Sometimes it is BRAVE to close your doors."

 -April Day aka Scabs <3

This ^ 

So much THIS^^

This picture brings me such joy. It is saturated with LOVE.

The flowers were a timely reminder that I am loved that came at a low point from dear friends who knew I needed a little pick-me-up.  I love flowers.  I love roses.  I love bright colors.  There is something to me about fresh REAL flowers that remind me to take a moment and enjoy the beauty because it won’t last forever.  I had the sense of mind to also take this photo so I could recall that wisdom at other needed times.

 

The butterflies remind me that “Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she woke up and found she had wings.”  Butterflies have since become a motif in my life.  If I were to ever get a tattoo it would be a butterfly.  (But ew- I hate needles…)

In the background is a collage of pictures from Camp. Camp changed my life.  I can’t point to one particular moment, because it was a collection of things. So many things. Like the money from a generous donor that made my scholarship possible so I could go.  My heart is touched by this self-proclaimed “baller” and I look for little ways to pay it forward.  The women that gathered at a cabin in the snowy mountains became my sisters.  Soul cleansing Yoga. “Leave it on the mat.”  Bizzare Pictionary to break the ice (and boy did that ice BREAK!).  Lovingly prepared food. Standing barefoot in the snow to solidify our sisterhood. So much beauty. I want to do it all again. Every year.

The necklace I wear most days is my reminder to Kill My Own Buffalo and Be BRAVE.  Which has double meaning to me:  You see, my good friend, Buffalo Gal was my light in the darkness.  At the bottom of the well she showed me I wasn’t alone.  I didn’t know her at the time that I found her blog.  But I have come to know her and love her dearly and am better for her presence in my life. (And I’m writing this at work and tearing up guys, good thing we’re slow tonight.) Someday we will be sitting by the lake, sipping lemonade and letting our boys run wild together.  I look forward to this.  So much. 

My ringtone is Sara Barellis’s “Brave”.

Which brings me full circle. To Scab’s quote that sometimes it is BRAVE to close our doors.  To pull our kids from activities, to say NO, to be KIND to ourselves. 

Every time I say “No” to someone or something I am also saying “YES” to someone or something else.

So today I did something BRAVE.

I deactivated my Facebook account.  I need some time and space from the opinions of others so I can hear myself. Because I MATTER.  

I'm gonna love myself

I'm not looking to leave.
In fact, things are going well.
We found a good marriage therapist who seems to fit the bill and for that I am grateful.
I LOVE Jewel's song about loving myself and being stronger FOR ME because I struggle with that.  I can be strong in lots of situations but often at my own expense.  Now it's my turn.
Got my new Yoga Socks in the mail today.

Change is in the wind friends.
Smells wonderful.  

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write

But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just when he's hungry or frisky
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

Well from now on I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
A stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,
Yeah...

Like a truck in the mud...

I'm stuck.

I'm in what my counselor calls my "identity mode".  Meaning my mind runs and runs and runs a narrative that is not healthy or real. Identity mode is real.  I can tell because of the body tension.  It makes me physically ache and physically ill.

There are ways to get out of it.
Bridging.
Mapping.
Meditation- recognizing the thoughts and letting them go.

This last week has been hard.  Yesterday was even harder.

I reached out yesterday.
I was vulnerable with a friend and exposed my raw heart to her.

It was such a relief to have another person I don't have to HIDE from.

And she shared a sacred place with me.  It was a great day.

But I'm sad about the state of my heart.  I want to be healed.  I want LIFE to stop throwing daggers.

So I'm stuck.

Running my internal tapes.
And I recognize that.

Which is important.
But hard to get out of.
Typing helps.  The clacking of the keys is soothing.
And my "Chakra Balancing Radio" station on Pandora helps.

How do those who don't believe in a higher power or God heal?

And now I'm stuck in his recovery.
Which I recognize is not for me.
BUT it does matter to me. And it DOES affect me.

Painting Hope

I painted this on my wall last night.

I woke up to it this morning.  

It is the perfect reminder I need to not give up. 

There is always hope.

Maybe not that things will turn out picture perfect the way *I* want- but that I can survive. 

And so can you.

Maybe one day even fly.

Which of course brings THIS song to mind:

One Day I'll Fly Away 

From the Movie Moulin Rouge

(My apologies for any triggers this may cause...)

[Satine:]
I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin to live again

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your love do for me
When will love be through with me
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Fly fly away...

Can't get it out of my head/heart

I know I've posted Human before.  I can't get it out of my head.

And Say Something is one I can't get out of my heart. (I love Pentatonix!)



Life is so very hard right now.

My counselor keeps reminding me that you can't train for a marathon in one go.  It takes time and dedication and LOTS of work and sweat (and maybe even a few curse words along the way).

I have to be reminded of that often because I want it all to be better now.

But like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, I think it's going to get darker before it gets lighter.

Lyrics: Say Something
"Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...