Stalled

I'm hitting a block right now and not so sure how to go about getting around it.  I kind of want to avoid it but have this fear that if I do I'll end up crashing.  Like when an airplane stalls- you have to do SOMETHING or you'll crash.  

In looking for a picture for the blog I came across this article about EXPLORING the Stall. I found a couple of things particularly interesting.

A stall is a normal reaction of a plane based on wing something or other.  He explained it "In training, I sometimes use the metaphor of ice formation: water freezes, under normal conditions, at 0º C. At 0.1º C, water is not frozen. It is the same with the stall. Below the critical angle of attack, the wing is not stalled. Above the critical angle, the wing stalls."

It's normal. It happens. Good to know.

With any aircraft, however, it is very important to know well the symptoms of an approaching stall so we can make positive decisions on how to proceed. ...

It’s like knowing, in the dark, where the edge of the stairs are at home. If you know exactly where the edge is you can approach it with confidence; if you are unsure, you may well step over by mistake and find yourself in deep, deep trouble.

I'm learning my own symptoms of my stalls: trying to keep busy- distract my mind, irritation, physical avoidance (I can NOT think while being touched by anyone), preoccupation with what is bothering me yet not wanting to deal with it (Denial!) 

Practicing stalls so you can learn, understand and know the stall characteristics of your aircraft will give you a sense of control and security. You will know where the edge is and will be able to approach it with confidence. You will know the symptoms of the approaching stall and know how and when to modify your inputs to either produce or avoid the stall as required.

Your landings will improve, your flying will improve and your sense of your own knowledge and skills will boost your confidence.

All things I want more of right now. 

The basic stall is a simple yet elegant and important procedure. If you’re not completely comfortable with stalls, now is an excellent time to find whatever assistance you may need to develop a positive relationship with the maneuver You’ll be glad you did.

So what do I do if I'm mid-stall and haven't practiced?  

Time for a Time Out?  Hmm... 

Waiting and Wading

After my drama yesterday of finding things in youtube histories and my shaking anger (so badly that I pulled something out between my shoulder blades and can't turn my head to the left because of a pinched nerve-no one can tell me this doesn't affect me) I sent hubby an email (because a chat for this sort of thing wouldn't be appropriate at work) and we talked when he got home from work.  (More in depth after the kids had gone to bed).  I was SO afraid that he would try to deny it.  At one point he did downplay a bit saying that he didn't remember every incident and the date they happened on (I get that- but don't down play this mister). So we talked and talked and talked (we're like stationary pioneers) I read him the NY times article and that seemed to shed some light on things.  Lots of apologies.  I appreciate apologies and perhaps I'll truly accept them when I see the change.  He's trying. He is trying to be honest with me. Right now I just kind of have to wait.  Because it takes TIME for him to prove that he means what he says.  And because I've been either so deeply burned or burned too many times I'm waiting.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting for the shoe to not exist.  Waiting to see what he chooses to do the next time he is triggered.

I do wonder why I felt like he was an honest guy when we first started dating.  Was he?  Or was I too trusting? What's wrong with me that I would seek him out?  And I really hate that.  I hate that now I have to second guess my whole life with him.  The last 8 years.  8 years full of what ifs. How would I have acted or reacted had I known? Was there anything to know?  Does it matter? It is past.  Over.  Then why am I dealing with it now?!

I don't want you readers to think that I hate my husband.  I don't.  I do hate the lies. And I have been betrayed.  And that is deep.  I want to believe that he's a good guy.  That he really IS the guy that I love.  Right now it's hard to sort out how much is the addiction and how much is him and what that all means.  And it's really hard for me to see through the rage.  I'm so much more angry than I've EVER been.  Which is normal.  (So glad I'm not just crazy.) Thanks to AddoRecovery and some new friends I know that. So it's hard.  I'm also waiting for the anger to pass.  For me to have waded through all of it to the other side.  What's on the other side of the anger pool of muck?  I don't know.  And not knowing is a little scary too.

I freaked out, a little.

I might have freaked out a little just now.  My 6 year old is home from school sick with a lovely cough that will probably sit in his lungs for a week or so. That's just how it works.  He was watching Netflix on my phone and I let him (and his little brother).  Then he needed to use the bathroom.  He walked into the bathroom, holding the phone, not watching where he was going, shut the door, LOCKED it (which I assume was to keep the toddler out- he's very curious).  He didn't think anything of it.

But I did.  And I tried to act as calm and cool as I wasn't.  I told him no movies while he's going potty.  He can finish it afterwards.  "Pause your show and slide the phone under the door please." I felt like I was insane.  Innocent.  Barney for goodness sakes.  But the fear that it will turn into habit shook me.  That when he's older and has his own phone it will be an easy access point for him. And habit at that point.  He handed it over no problem.  But I'm still shaking.

I wasn't expecting that trigger today (or ever really) but I worry that this is all going to hit the fan and spread to our children.  So I'm proud of myself for acting on my instinct and for keeping calm and collected.  But it shook me.

I'm well aware of the "what if it fell in the toilet" argument and while gross- it doesn't phase me.  What is far more gross, in terms of size of the matter and content, is looking up porn, or maybe not outright porn but music videos or this or that.  I do think my 6 year old is a normal six year old and doesn't even really know about all that yet.  I hope.  But I know I'll be discussing this with him on his level soon. And that is also grossly scary.  

Hearts in a Mailbox

My heart is on paper in a mailbox waiting.  

Just waiting. 

To be opened. 

To be read. 

To be splashed on by the tears of my mother.  

My mom.  Who doesn't know.  Not yet.  

And I'm scared.  And anxious.  And sad.  

So my heart is in a mailbox and my bum is on pins and needles.  

Waiting.  

Waiting. 

It's very uncomfortable.  

Two addicts?

I have got to write some of my thoughts down before I go crazy.

My husband struggles with an addiction to pornography.

I have read blog after blog.  Forums. FB groups. You Tube videos.

I know I'm not alone now.

Which is huge.

But it's all still very raw and scary to me. Which is odd because we've been married 7 1/2 years and I've known the whole time that it's an issue.  But didn't understand that it's bigger than that.  All the people I've talked with and read from suggest boundaries.  Boundaries are what make me feel safe.  I've tried but never had words or encouragement that I was doing what was right for me.  I'm still angry that I even have to have boundaries in the first place.  That I could be so hurt feels like my fault.  It feels like I should have seen it coming.  I should have put up the boundaries to keep myself safe and free from hurt but I didn't so, like a fool, I got hurt.  There's a lot of personal shame that I feel about the whole situation and that kind of pisses me off.  Why am *I* the one that feels the shame when *I* didn't do anything.  I didn't go out and look at other men. I didn't sit and think sexually about someone else. And yet I feel the fool.

So it's hard to reach out.  To get the help and support *I* need because I feel like I should have seen it coming and prevented the pain somehow.  I've always known he's struggled with pornography.  I don't totally understand addiction and the cycle and the chemical side.  I know that addiction runs in families and his parents have struggled with it.  This video hits the heart of the matter though.  I am afraid that I will reach out to the wrong people.  That in the end I will be hurt more.  Like when we told his parents about his addiction and I got bip. Zero. Nothing. They pretty much said, "Thanks for telling us." And left it at that.  Maddening. The few friends I have reached out to have been pretty supportive and I would be lost without them.  Someone else, a family member, that I told- said "Yeah, we struggle with it too." But there was no connection.  No "I feel your pain" like I thought there would be.  So it's hard.

I'm a mess most of the day.  Telling myself that I *HAVE* to get dressed, that I cannot get back in bed and wallow like I want to.  I research and when I hit a raw nerve or feel like "YES! She gets it! I'm not alone and I'm NOT crazy" and then sit at the computer sobbing I wonder how much the kids can handle seeing.  I'm a mess and they know it.  Internally they get that.  So I call it quits before I feel like I'm done.  Wipe away the tears and go make lunch.  Because I still need to do that.  But I really just want to run and cry and get better.  I'm not sure how to balance that with every day life.

There's a term of "co-addiction" that scares me.  I'm not an addict.  He is.

But I might be.

I might be addicted to acting out on the fear because that's what I know.  It's still new.  And I'm offended by the thought that I might be an addict too.  (And usually when there's offense it's because it hits close to home.) More thoughts on that as I figure out what it even means.

Soul Showers

Pitter patter of raindrops on leaves and the roof.  Crack of thunder.  Cool breeze flowing through the open window.  The rumble of the thunderstorm outside my window seems to match my thoughts lately.  I keep thinking about all of the things that I have to work on, to figure out.  Maybe the rain will cleanse my canvas and help to erase my mistakes.  This rainfall is an answer to prayer in our drought stricken land.  Maybe my own storm is the answer to my pleas for help and healing.

The rain fills our reservoir. Hopefully we will have enough to sustain further hard times. In the middle of my own drought I have depleted my own source of nourishment.   My soul reservoir has been low for a while now.  I could use this storm to help replenish me.

I am trying to walk the line of being true to myself while being scared that if I am truly myself I will be rejected.  My mom always tells me to feel the fear and do it anyway.  Sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.