My Fleas

So I've been thinking a lot lately about what is this preparing me for? There is a higher purpose- there is something to be gained from this crazy hard trial. There HAS to be. I also keep thinking about group. Maybe I won't have a support group down here- maybe not now- maybe not ever BUT I can't help but wonder if it isn't preparing me for the missionary service I have longed for since a teen. If this is how I share my testimony of the gospel. I don't know that'd I'd ever be called to be a group facilitator (if that is what they are called) or if it is simply me putting myself out here on the vastness of the internet, sharing my belief (and sometimes doubts and even disbelief that's it's meant for ME) of the Power of Christ's Atonement. I don't know what this all means. But if this is part of the preparation- this is so far from anything I ever imagined.

In the part I'm reading in Rhyll Croshaw's book right now she talks about the power of gratitude to change your life. Well, right now, I could use a life change. She recounts the story from The Hiding Place by Victor Frankl, where sisters Betsie and Corrie Ten Boom (Ten Boom is their last name) are in a Nazi prison camp. The barracks they are assigned to are notoriously infested with fleas. Corrie is discouraged (to say the least) and Betsie sees the blessings and thanks God for the fleas, though she didn't know why at the time. But the fleas were a blessing because they kept the guards out of the barracks and spared these women from abuse, harassment and worse things. They were a gift from God.

So how are my fleas going to be a gift from God? Certainly I don't mean to say, "YAY me! I love this trial!" But I am wondering what blessings can come from it. Victor Frankl said, 

"Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning."

So I'm looking for meaning and in the mean time TRYING to be grateful.  And I still suffer a great deal right now but I have hope that this will all get better. One. Day. One. Moment. At. A. Time.
Here are 5 things I am grateful for today:
1- That my husband is willing to fight for us.
2- That I have a few true and dear friends to lean on for encouragement. I know not everyone has that.
3- That I do believe that God numbers the hairs of my head and loves THIS sparrow.
4- That my children have a large support group of family and friends who love them.
5- That I can pray whenever the heck I want.  Out loud or in my head/heart.  He still hears me.

Be Still

Sometimes prayers are answered in different ways.
I love music.  I forget that sometimes.  I have always loved Hilary Weeks.  One of my personal scriptures has is Psalms 46:10 "...Be still and know that I am God."  The first verse in this chapter reminds us that "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." In Doctrine and Covenants it is repeated, "...all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God."

Likewise the hymn "Be Still My Soul" speaks to me every time.  I often hum or sing it when I'm discouraged.  The lyrics are simply beautiful.

1. 1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
   With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
   Leave to thy God to order and provide;
   In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
   Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
   Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. 2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
   To guide the future as he has the past.
   Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
   All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
   Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
   His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
3. 3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
   When we shall be forever with the Lord,
   When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
   Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
   Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
   All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
4. Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
   trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
   
   

This is a beautiful version by Alex Boye. 

Today I actually cracked open my scriptures and began reading in the New Testament (by far my favorite).  Christ's Sermon on the Mount where he gave the beatitudes left me wondering which verse he was talking to ME in today.  We can all change.  Some days we are meek. Others we are merciful. Often in this process of discovery and hurt and healing,  I am among those that mourn, and I shall be comforted.  What a blessing. I'm still looking for the strength to get through each day.  But I am learning to take things One. Day. At. A. Time.  I'm not very good at it yet.  But here's to today and beautiful music.  

Broken Bows

Talk about being close to the spirit.  My baby sister is serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She doesn't know about my personal pain. This all consuming trial.  And yet here are her words from an email she sent home. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing them with you.

One thing that's kind of been a theme for the week is that so many people are fighting a really hard fight. One of the men we work with just had his cancer come back, another recently had a heart attack. Others are fighting through addictions, divorce, or death. And I've repeatedly been so humbled to see the faith they have. Even in devastating times, they're trying to hard to cast their burdens upon the Lord. One thing I've learned more about in my studies this week is how the Lord helps to strengthen us in these desperate times. In 1 Nephi 16, Nephi's bow breaks, and his family has no way to obtain food. There were many of them, and they literally faced starvation. Of course they were all mad and scared, even the prophet Lehi lost his faith for awhile. Still Nephi remained faithful. But despite his remarkable faith, the Lord didn't take Nephi's problem away. Instead, Nephi had to use the knowledge he already had, and listen to the Spirit to receive the further guidance he needed to build a new bow and know where to go to find food. The Lord doesn't just take away our problems because we trust Him. But He will give us the strength and knowledge to keep going. In times of grief and heartbreak, He might not erase those feelings, but He will help us move forward. Even in my first couple weeks here I'm experiencing it in my own life as well. And it's scary. But He will be there, and He does know exactly what you're experiencing.

Don't we all break our bows sometimes? (I think sometimes rather than my bow breaking from use- it breaks from misuse, disuse, or simple fits of anger where I whack it on a rock.) Wonder how on Earth we are going to survive?  And yet the Lord shows us the way.  The Spirit whispers to our souls, "Hang in there."

Oh the river of tears.  Catches me off guard sometimes.  That I am loved.  That my Savior is just that. MINE.   Thanks SisterGirl for your wise words.

Do you believe?

There are many links.  If you have a minute please take a look.  If you don't have a minute- come back and read them.  


"Believest thou in the power of Christ unto salvation?...If thou believest thou canst be healed." -Alma 15: 6,8

"Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief." -Mark 9:24

HERE is a link to the LDS Addiction Recovery Program.  I just found the site and it is beautiful.

These two scriptures sum up my hope and my fear that I don't fully believe, that I don't understand enough to believe.

There is more my soul longs to say.  I'll let it simmer for a bit- like soup- it usually comes out better if I wait.