A good bye of sorts

The only thing that we can be certain of in this life is change.  

It will always come. 

Often when you're not expecting it.

But this time I'm anticipating it. 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this blog from here on out.  

I might add to it.

I might go private.

I might change it.

I might go public.

But I know that it will likely not stay the same. 

I'm not the same person I was two years ago when I started this blog.

I've grown. SO MUCH.

I've learned. Loved. Been hurt. Been vulnerable. Been wise. Made mistakes and moved on. 

I will never discount the time I've spent here.

It has been healing. 

And for that I am so much better for it.

But knowing that it exists and it is related to the LDS Church is becoming a point of anxiety for me.  Thus I will ask to be removed from the blogroll and will likely not have the same audience. 

And I'm okay with that. 

It's like starting a new journal for me. 

I breathe a sigh of relief as I close the one that has held me through my pain and quandaries and dreams.  Now it is time for me to begin anew and start forging a different path. 

Exciting and terrifying all at once. 

Like the first day of school. 

If you need to contact me I still check email: madagaea (at) gmail (dot com of course) 

Here's to new adventures. 

Tally Ho!

A girl with fighting for!

(Thanks Disney- now the song from Mulan is stuck in my head)

I find myself wondering, "Am I worth fighting for?" This seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life.  When I'm low I always wonder the same thing: What's the point? Am *I* worth fighting for?

 I was looking through my journals recently and came across one from a particularly rough year.  My first real boyfriend.  My dad had just remarried and there was a LOT of drama mixed in with that.  Friends that turned into step sibling.  The forcing of a front that says, "We are unified and we are happy." Which I never really bought because I was miserable.  His house never felt safe for me to be who I am without judgement and when I finally put my foot down and chose to live with my mom- hell broke loose.  I learned what a real guilt trip looks like.

I'm afraid of what hell is going to break look when I put my foot down in my marriage.  When I say, "These are my boundaries, and these are the consequences for broken boundaries." And then when I follow through.  Because that scares me.  I've never been very good at it.  I usually give in.  I ride the guilt trip train and regret where it takes me.

And so I'm stuck where I don't want to be and I'm the only one that can get me out of this mess.

And YES! I'm worth fighting for.  HELL YES! Even if I'm the only one fighting.



Which makes me kind of sad to think I'm the only one willing to fight for me.

I freaked out, a little.

I might have freaked out a little just now.  My 6 year old is home from school sick with a lovely cough that will probably sit in his lungs for a week or so. That's just how it works.  He was watching Netflix on my phone and I let him (and his little brother).  Then he needed to use the bathroom.  He walked into the bathroom, holding the phone, not watching where he was going, shut the door, LOCKED it (which I assume was to keep the toddler out- he's very curious).  He didn't think anything of it.

But I did.  And I tried to act as calm and cool as I wasn't.  I told him no movies while he's going potty.  He can finish it afterwards.  "Pause your show and slide the phone under the door please." I felt like I was insane.  Innocent.  Barney for goodness sakes.  But the fear that it will turn into habit shook me.  That when he's older and has his own phone it will be an easy access point for him. And habit at that point.  He handed it over no problem.  But I'm still shaking.

I wasn't expecting that trigger today (or ever really) but I worry that this is all going to hit the fan and spread to our children.  So I'm proud of myself for acting on my instinct and for keeping calm and collected.  But it shook me.

I'm well aware of the "what if it fell in the toilet" argument and while gross- it doesn't phase me.  What is far more gross, in terms of size of the matter and content, is looking up porn, or maybe not outright porn but music videos or this or that.  I do think my 6 year old is a normal six year old and doesn't even really know about all that yet.  I hope.  But I know I'll be discussing this with him on his level soon. And that is also grossly scary.  

I Take That Back.

I'm not an addict. Or a co-dependent.  The terminology is so new and there are conflicting ideas.  I'm not either of those.  I have experienced TRAUMA.  THAT is what my symptoms are.  Why I feel like I'm going crazy.  Why I feel like I should trust but can't. Not yet. Not right now. But I do have hope that it will come.  Some fear that it won't.  But I'm doing what I can for ME. And it's hard to let go that I can't control him.

From the First Addo Recovery lesson:

Emotional ups and downs are expected, and the paradoxical experience of anger coupled with a desire to connect, is common. These feelings create confusion and pain, resulting in polarized emotions, possibly making you feel out of control at times.

Bingo.

I'm not crazy.
I'm traumatized.

This first lesson was big for me.  I know I'm not alone in this battle but I didn't understand that my response is actually what the majority of women feel like.  I'm normal.

This all brings out a lot of issues for me and the biggest one I see right now is Boundaries.  I need boundaries to keep myself safe.  I can trust my husband when he shows me trustworthy behavior.  And I still need to have boundaries in place while I don't feel emotionally safe.  Now how to go about that? I'm not totally sure. In the past my natural response has been to simply say NO when I don't want to do something for whatever reason.  Kissing. Sex. Other.  I haven't always been stalwart on maintaining that NO.  And then I am hurt that I let myself down.  But I need CLEAR definitive boundaries with natural consequences.  They are not punishments for him (though it might feel like that).  They are safeguards for ME.  And that's how I have to look at it.  My healing is about ME not him.  He's in charge of his healing and I can't make him do anything.  Which is hard for me.  I like to control.  So I'm letting it go and working on me.  Because that's all I can do.