Tortoise in a Hare's world.

Winter months.

Sickness travels.

My body is telling me to slow down. 

Walk.

Sit.

Be.

When inside I feel the urge to run from things I can't hide from.  The ugly parts of me that I don't want to own. 

I think it is no coincidence that it all comes at a time when I have stated out loud my desire to be healthier.  Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. And I think that I'm learning that to do this is a LONG process.  Not over in a day.  My counselor suggests that when we train for a marathon it is long hard work that can't be done in a single try.  

This is not what I expected. 

I imagined getting/being healthy would look like cute workout clothes and ENERGY! Lots of energy to Go and Do and CONQUER! And I'm finding the mental/emotional battle is HARD.  

EXHAUSTING.

My body is exhausted.

So I'm trying to slow down. 

Not just "take care of me" but to truly Care FOR me. 

This morning I started with a visit to the eye doctor.  I've been to the chiropractor, hospital for x-rays of my back, medical doctor for body, counselor for mind, and some wise authors for spirit.  I AM taking charge of my life.

I just had no idea it would be this exhausting.

(Not to mention raising 3 boys and working to build a healthy relationship with my husband...) 

Just reading all of that reminds me that it is a LOT of work and that I have every right to be exhausted.  

So here's to naptime! May it come swiftly and without anger. 

Closing doors

"Sometimes it is BRAVE to close your doors."

 -April Day aka Scabs <3

This ^ 

So much THIS^^

This picture brings me such joy. It is saturated with LOVE.

The flowers were a timely reminder that I am loved that came at a low point from dear friends who knew I needed a little pick-me-up.  I love flowers.  I love roses.  I love bright colors.  There is something to me about fresh REAL flowers that remind me to take a moment and enjoy the beauty because it won’t last forever.  I had the sense of mind to also take this photo so I could recall that wisdom at other needed times.

 

The butterflies remind me that “Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she woke up and found she had wings.”  Butterflies have since become a motif in my life.  If I were to ever get a tattoo it would be a butterfly.  (But ew- I hate needles…)

In the background is a collage of pictures from Camp. Camp changed my life.  I can’t point to one particular moment, because it was a collection of things. So many things. Like the money from a generous donor that made my scholarship possible so I could go.  My heart is touched by this self-proclaimed “baller” and I look for little ways to pay it forward.  The women that gathered at a cabin in the snowy mountains became my sisters.  Soul cleansing Yoga. “Leave it on the mat.”  Bizzare Pictionary to break the ice (and boy did that ice BREAK!).  Lovingly prepared food. Standing barefoot in the snow to solidify our sisterhood. So much beauty. I want to do it all again. Every year.

The necklace I wear most days is my reminder to Kill My Own Buffalo and Be BRAVE.  Which has double meaning to me:  You see, my good friend, Buffalo Gal was my light in the darkness.  At the bottom of the well she showed me I wasn’t alone.  I didn’t know her at the time that I found her blog.  But I have come to know her and love her dearly and am better for her presence in my life. (And I’m writing this at work and tearing up guys, good thing we’re slow tonight.) Someday we will be sitting by the lake, sipping lemonade and letting our boys run wild together.  I look forward to this.  So much. 

My ringtone is Sara Barellis’s “Brave”.

Which brings me full circle. To Scab’s quote that sometimes it is BRAVE to close our doors.  To pull our kids from activities, to say NO, to be KIND to ourselves. 

Every time I say “No” to someone or something I am also saying “YES” to someone or something else.

So today I did something BRAVE.

I deactivated my Facebook account.  I need some time and space from the opinions of others so I can hear myself. Because I MATTER.  

Like a truck in the mud...

I'm stuck.

I'm in what my counselor calls my "identity mode".  Meaning my mind runs and runs and runs a narrative that is not healthy or real. Identity mode is real.  I can tell because of the body tension.  It makes me physically ache and physically ill.

There are ways to get out of it.
Bridging.
Mapping.
Meditation- recognizing the thoughts and letting them go.

This last week has been hard.  Yesterday was even harder.

I reached out yesterday.
I was vulnerable with a friend and exposed my raw heart to her.

It was such a relief to have another person I don't have to HIDE from.

And she shared a sacred place with me.  It was a great day.

But I'm sad about the state of my heart.  I want to be healed.  I want LIFE to stop throwing daggers.

So I'm stuck.

Running my internal tapes.
And I recognize that.

Which is important.
But hard to get out of.
Typing helps.  The clacking of the keys is soothing.
And my "Chakra Balancing Radio" station on Pandora helps.

How do those who don't believe in a higher power or God heal?

And now I'm stuck in his recovery.
Which I recognize is not for me.
BUT it does matter to me. And it DOES affect me.

Enough Already!

And YOU are too! 

I was listening to Brene Brown's Daring Greatly this morning while I was cleaning the bathroom and something struck a chord with me.  I've heard it before but I had to stop and write it down on my dry-erase board in the dining room.  "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone. I am ENOUGH." The bathroom didn't get spotless.  The worst was cleaned and then I got distracted with other mothering duties.  And you know what? That's ok.  I'm enough.  

And you are too.

Gold

You were walking on the moon, now you're feeling low oh oh....

What they said wasn't true, you're beautiful...

Sticks and stones break your bones, I know what you're feeling

Words like those, won't steal your glow, you're one in a million

This is for all the girls, boys all over the world

Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold

So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine

From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold

(Gold, gold, oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

You're worth more than gold

(Gold, gold, oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

Well everybody keeps score, afraid you're gonna lose

Just ignore, they don't know the real you

All the rain in the sky, can't put out your fire

out of all the stars out tonight, you shine brighter!

This is for all the girls, boys all over the world

Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold

So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine

From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold

(Gold gold, oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

You're worth more than gold

(Gold gold oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

So don't let anybody tell you that you're not loved

And don't let anybody tell you that you're not enough

Yeah there are days when we all feel like we're messed up

But the truth is that we're all diamonds in the rough

So don't be ashamed to wear your crown

You're a king you're a queen inside and out

You glow like the moon, you shine like the stars

This is for you, wherever you - are.....

Yeah..... yeah, eh, yeah

You're gold

this is for all the girls, boys all over the world

Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold

(So hold your head) So hold your head up high,

It's your time to shine

From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold

(Gold gold, oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

You're worth more than gold

(Gold gold oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

So don't be ashamed to wear your crown

You're a king you're a queen inside and out...

Songwriters

Muckala, Daniel John / Nicole, Britt / Cates, Jess Clayton

Read more: Britt Nicole - Gold Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Pack Light

I have a feed-my-soul trip coming up and the advice I was given was to "Pack Light". 

So I'm going to see what I can do in the way of packing light.

I am usually one who likes to pack like the woman in the second picture.

TOO MUCH STUFF. 

I have a hard time getting past the "what if" and not bringing the kitchen sink. 

This time- I'm taking it as it comes. 

Whatever that means. 

It's new for me.

But I'm excited at the sheer possibilities that can come from not being weighed down physically and emotionally with so much STUFF.

Work Your Own Program

After the healing high of The Togetherness Project I came back to real life and let life get back in the way. I let myself get distracted with my husband's recovery. I let my worries and judgements of others seemingly judging me get in the way of BEING ME and Working my own program.  Thank goodness my counselor was able to help point me straight again. (Not that it was easy-I hate seeing that I'm turned 180 degrees when I thought I was only a few off--no wonder I was headed in the wrong direction...) So I'm trying to work MY program as prescribed by ME, what speaks to my heart and soul.

And I just found this new artist that I *LOVE*: mikaela kahn Some people describe her as the next Sara Bareilles. Which is lovely.