Like a truck in the mud...

I'm stuck.

I'm in what my counselor calls my "identity mode".  Meaning my mind runs and runs and runs a narrative that is not healthy or real. Identity mode is real.  I can tell because of the body tension.  It makes me physically ache and physically ill.

There are ways to get out of it.
Bridging.
Mapping.
Meditation- recognizing the thoughts and letting them go.

This last week has been hard.  Yesterday was even harder.

I reached out yesterday.
I was vulnerable with a friend and exposed my raw heart to her.

It was such a relief to have another person I don't have to HIDE from.

And she shared a sacred place with me.  It was a great day.

But I'm sad about the state of my heart.  I want to be healed.  I want LIFE to stop throwing daggers.

So I'm stuck.

Running my internal tapes.
And I recognize that.

Which is important.
But hard to get out of.
Typing helps.  The clacking of the keys is soothing.
And my "Chakra Balancing Radio" station on Pandora helps.

How do those who don't believe in a higher power or God heal?

And now I'm stuck in his recovery.
Which I recognize is not for me.
BUT it does matter to me. And it DOES affect me.

6 People and Lotteries

While contemplating who to share my story with I re-found this:




People Who Do NOT Deserve to Hear My Story: 

1.The friend who hears your story and feels shame for you.  She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make *her* feel better.

2. The friend who responds with sympathy, "I feel so sorry for you," rather than empathy, "I get it. I feel you.  I've been there.  Wanna see a shame cyclone turn deadly throw one of these at it, "Oh you poor thing!" or the passive aggressive Southern version of sympathy, "Bless your heart!"

3.The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity.  She can't help because she's too disappointed in you.  You've let *her* down.

4.The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds, "How did you let this happen?"

5. The friend who is all about making it better and out of her own discomfort refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices. "You're exaggerating.  It wasn't that bad."

6. The friend who confuses connection with the opportunity to one-up you. "That's nothing! Listen to what happened to ME!"



"I'm looking for the person that loves me not despite my vulnerability and imperfection but because of it.  I'm looking for what I call my "move the body" friends. I'm looking for the folks who are going to show up and wade through the deep with me."

One or two in a lifetime and you're lucky.Two or three, LOTTERY.

Guess what?!

I think I've won the mega-all-time-superstar-lottery-of-the-galaxy! I love my Warrior Sisters who walk through all kinds of deep with me.  All at different levels.  And I am SO BLESSED!!


"You have to earn the right to hear MY story.  It's an HONOR to hold space for me when I'm in shame." 

(PS- I"m working on this myself- I'm still not there yet-- but I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow- When you know better you do better. Thank you Miss Maya.)

Fierce emotions

I was looking on Pinterest today for yellow/grey bedroom themes and found this.  It made me sad.  If you can't read it the accent pillow reads, "Fiercely Loyal".  It made me sad to think I don't feel that way in our marriage.  I hope for it but the only fierce things I feel right now are usually sadness or anger.  Maybe it is a goal to strive towards.  But for now I'll allow myself time and space to be sad.