A good bye of sorts

The only thing that we can be certain of in this life is change.  

It will always come. 

Often when you're not expecting it.

But this time I'm anticipating it. 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this blog from here on out.  

I might add to it.

I might go private.

I might change it.

I might go public.

But I know that it will likely not stay the same. 

I'm not the same person I was two years ago when I started this blog.

I've grown. SO MUCH.

I've learned. Loved. Been hurt. Been vulnerable. Been wise. Made mistakes and moved on. 

I will never discount the time I've spent here.

It has been healing. 

And for that I am so much better for it.

But knowing that it exists and it is related to the LDS Church is becoming a point of anxiety for me.  Thus I will ask to be removed from the blogroll and will likely not have the same audience. 

And I'm okay with that. 

It's like starting a new journal for me. 

I breathe a sigh of relief as I close the one that has held me through my pain and quandaries and dreams.  Now it is time for me to begin anew and start forging a different path. 

Exciting and terrifying all at once. 

Like the first day of school. 

If you need to contact me I still check email: madagaea (at) gmail (dot com of course) 

Here's to new adventures. 

Tally Ho!

Ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Our family is relocating this summer. We are all excited about it. I feel like it will be good for our marriage and our family to be on our own.

But change is hard.

It means the house we've been working on with so much heart will be sold.  I hope the next owners will have the heart to keep its charm and continue where we leave off.  But, ultimately, I know that I'm not in charge and once it is not ours, that's it.  That's been hard to grasp. 

The friendships we've made here are valuable and lovely, but those will transform too.  Hopefully they can continue to be a blessing. We will miss them terribly.  

We will spend the summer getting used to new surroundings and new pattern and making new friends. 

A change is as good as a rest...right? 

I have a feeling this one will be. 

I wish the house would order and pack itself.  But it has been therapeutic to see things and decide I don't need them anymore.  I can let go of SO MUCH and still have EVEN MORE left over.  What is left behind isn't cluttered with junk, but made more precious in its singularity.  Sometimes I think of a friend I had in college whose house burned to the ground when she was a Junior or Senior in high school.  I envied her.  She lived life knowing that things are ultimately JUST things and relationships are what truly matter.  I feel a bit like my previous life has been burned to the ground. Luckily, we all made it out alive.  I know now that relationships ARE what matter and that is precisely why we are paring down our material possessions and moving- to show our family that we matter to each other.  

TRAILER HITCH

I wanna buy you a drink
Maybe one for this whole town
I may not have that much
But I don't mind spreading it around
Everybody chasing something
I don't know why they're running
I take my time to the finish line
'Cause we all end up with nothing

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Diamonds, champagne,
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Started my day
Giving away
All of my baseball cards
It felt so good by the afternoon
I gave some guy my car
It ain't about what you're driving
Or about the gold you're piling
The less I have to worry about
The more time I got for smiling

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Champagne, new plane
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Hey, hey

You can stack it up
Pack it up
Tie it with a big, red bow
Get a great, big truck
Back it all up
But you can't take it with you when you go
Can't take it when you go

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Diamonds, champagne, newest of the new planes
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Hey, hey
Hey, hey
Give it away,
Hey, hey
Give it away

Songwriters
BRANDON BUSH, KRISTIAN BUSH, TIM OWENS

Improbable Moments of Grace

"Here is what happened next.
     America went to war in Iraq, and my pastor, Veronica, gave a brilliant sermon about how, with the war raging in the Middle East, now was not the time to figure everything out, like who was to blame or whom we would vote for. It was not the time to get a new plan together and try to push it on through. It was time to be still, to get centered, to trust what we've always trusted in: friendship, kindness, helping the poor, feeding the hungry. So, having felt scattered for much of the past two years, I took Veronica's words to heart, and began to get quiet whenever possible, to go for longer walks on the mountain, to sit in beggy prayer and fretful meditation. My mind kept thinking its harsh thoughts, but I'd distract myself from them gently and say, "Those are not the truth, those are not trustworthy, those are for entertainment purposed only." 

~Anne Lamott in Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace

I've been in an odd place lately but I think this^ is what I have intuitively been doing.  Multiple friends have noted to me that I've gone radio silent on Social Media lately.  And I have.  Partly because I've been busy living.  And partly because I didn't feel I had anything significant to contribute so I didn't mind sitting back.  

Big changes are ahead and I feel the fear and excitement of it all.  

Not a lot has changed externally yet, but internally, I've been gutted and rewired and insulated.  (Many hours of therapy and meditating and pondering and working through stuff.) So. Much. Work. Just like our house that we bought.  It was falling down.  There were carpets that had to be torn out. Joists rebuilt. Walls insulated. Roof re-shingled.  But it's stronger now. It's much more WHOLE.  It has been loved deeply. All the way down to the joists. Now is when the cosmetic changes come about.  And with ME it is the same way.  I tried from the outside in once. It didn't work so well. I tried masking my pain with makeup and new styles or a fake smile.  But like painting over rust or MOLD- the paint eventually bubbles until you can't ignore it.  So I've done a lot of work.  And I can see there is a lot of work ahead.  But now that my shelter is stable I can sit for a while.  To ponder.  To dream.  To anticipate. To just BE.  And I'm rather enjoying it.  

I have come back to the world of social media, but it's different now.  Not because it is but because *I* am.  I am much more confident to be the AUTHOR of my story. The CONTRACTOR and CONSTRUCTION CREW of my safe place within me. 

And I consider that my own Small Victory.  

Painting Hope

I painted this on my wall last night.

I woke up to it this morning.  

It is the perfect reminder I need to not give up. 

There is always hope.

Maybe not that things will turn out picture perfect the way *I* want- but that I can survive. 

And so can you.

Maybe one day even fly.

Which of course brings THIS song to mind:

One Day I'll Fly Away 

From the Movie Moulin Rouge

(My apologies for any triggers this may cause...)

[Satine:]
I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin to live again

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your love do for me
When will love be through with me
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Fly fly away...

Ready....Aim.....

Arrows have to be pulled back before they can fly. 

Most of the time I think that I am the Great Archer- deciding where to shoot and adjusting my aim. But I think I'm really the arrow. In the hands of the Great Archer (God) I can be a valuable resource in the fight against evil. In the fight for love and goodness and compassion for one another.  (Think: Cupid)

A dear friend sent me an arrow pendant with this reminder that when we feel like we are being pulled back we are getting ready to be launched.  That has stuck with me and I've felt it so much recently. Pulled back by all sorts of different things.  I also feel the anticipation of flight.  That I am headed in a direction, but I don't know what one yet.  I'm excited and scared to see where I'm headed.  To see what good I can do.  To see what difference I can make.  It might be in the walls of my home- or it might reach farther than that- but where ever I am meant to make a difference I feel it. I'm ready.  Aim.  LOOSE! (Because "fire" was not said until firearms...)

Still Here

I'm still here.


Which is what I keep telling my husband too. We've had a lot of rough days/nights.  I told him that I have indeed thought about leaving at some point. He asked me after reading some blog posts of other WoPAs who have left or considered leaving.  But that point is not today and not anytime soon unless his behavior says my family/I is/am not safe.  So far so good. Mostly.  He had a slip recently, meaning he gave into addictive behavior but hasn't given up recovery.  It's been a rough week since then.

We have been taking stock of where we are, evaluating progress.  He feels like we are making progress individually but not together as a marriage.  I somewhat agree with that.  I think I have made progress. I can set boundaries and stick to them and feel safe thus feeling empowered in my ability to trust myself.   I have been to a therapist that I have hope can help me in a broader sense.  I think he has made progress.  He is SO much more willing to even look at his emotions and let them out.  It's hard.  He hasn't done it before.  And now he's got a lifetime of emotions to work through.  Some harder than others. He has proven he can do hard things too.  Our marriage relationship is kind of just sitting there waiting for both of us to work some stuff out.

And I'm still here.

I haven't gone anywhere.
I might lock myself in the bedroom sometimes.
But I'm here.
And I'm working.
And I think I'm healing and waiting and loving my dear husband from where I am.  Which is not as close as I'd like. But I don't believe it'll be this way forever.  And that gives me hope.

Waiting and Wading

After my drama yesterday of finding things in youtube histories and my shaking anger (so badly that I pulled something out between my shoulder blades and can't turn my head to the left because of a pinched nerve-no one can tell me this doesn't affect me) I sent hubby an email (because a chat for this sort of thing wouldn't be appropriate at work) and we talked when he got home from work.  (More in depth after the kids had gone to bed).  I was SO afraid that he would try to deny it.  At one point he did downplay a bit saying that he didn't remember every incident and the date they happened on (I get that- but don't down play this mister). So we talked and talked and talked (we're like stationary pioneers) I read him the NY times article and that seemed to shed some light on things.  Lots of apologies.  I appreciate apologies and perhaps I'll truly accept them when I see the change.  He's trying. He is trying to be honest with me. Right now I just kind of have to wait.  Because it takes TIME for him to prove that he means what he says.  And because I've been either so deeply burned or burned too many times I'm waiting.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting for the shoe to not exist.  Waiting to see what he chooses to do the next time he is triggered.

I do wonder why I felt like he was an honest guy when we first started dating.  Was he?  Or was I too trusting? What's wrong with me that I would seek him out?  And I really hate that.  I hate that now I have to second guess my whole life with him.  The last 8 years.  8 years full of what ifs. How would I have acted or reacted had I known? Was there anything to know?  Does it matter? It is past.  Over.  Then why am I dealing with it now?!

I don't want you readers to think that I hate my husband.  I don't.  I do hate the lies. And I have been betrayed.  And that is deep.  I want to believe that he's a good guy.  That he really IS the guy that I love.  Right now it's hard to sort out how much is the addiction and how much is him and what that all means.  And it's really hard for me to see through the rage.  I'm so much more angry than I've EVER been.  Which is normal.  (So glad I'm not just crazy.) Thanks to AddoRecovery and some new friends I know that. So it's hard.  I'm also waiting for the anger to pass.  For me to have waded through all of it to the other side.  What's on the other side of the anger pool of muck?  I don't know.  And not knowing is a little scary too.

Change it up.

Reading blog posts of other WoPA is comforting and inspiring and exhausting.

I had a good weekend. Connected more with my husband- got some REAL responses from him.

Lots of spiritual uplift and encouragement.

Some frank discussions about boundaries.

And yet I'm still feeling numb.  

This blog post about Dead Hearts and Resurrection  hits close to home.  Right now I'm struggling because I want SO BADLY to work on MY healing and recovery.  But I find it near impossible when I don't even have a quiet moment to THINK.

There is no such thing as quiet at our house.  3 boys.  If by chance it is quiet, you'd better investigate because there are big things going down.  I don't sleep well. I can't remember a time when I did.  I have physical pain a lot that I feel is directly liked to my emotional ailments.

Poignant lesson from my crying (*more whine than cry) 4year old.
Mom: What's wrong?
4year old: I just keep getting hurt.
Mom: Then do something different.


Let's reverse it for a minute.
God: What's wrong?
Crying Me: I just keep getting hurt.
God: Then do something different.


My thoughts are jumbled. My children just escaped out the back door in their PJs.  I'm tired, and lonely, and sad.  I don't know HOW to find the energy/strength/courage to do something different.  Or what that different would be.  I would really like to take a step away from parenting so I can work on me and be a better parent.  Because survival mode is important in a crisis- but life lived in crisis makes four a lousy life.  I KNOW I am robbing my kids of a mom who is there. With it.  Who genuinely cares.  (I care, but not like I should.) I am robbing myself of life. I'd like to say I'm robbing my husband of a loving caring spouse, but I already feel like *I* am the one that lost that.

I need my Mom.  Which is hard.  Because I haven't told her yet.  I don't know how.

This weekend was mostly a nice change of pace.  I had my husband home.  I had inspiring talks to listen to. We visited with family and I still felt largely like an impostor because I can't tell them of my hurt.  I don't trust them.  I find there are few (if any) who I do trust these days.

Ugh. Not in a good place.  I HATE this emotional rollercoaster!

A good reminder.

Anybody want a shirt?

"He who loves least controls the relationship." -Don't know if someone else said this prior but I heard my American Lit teacher in high school, Mr. Wilson, say this and it stuck.

I often wonder if I love least.  I seem to always be searching for control.

I came across a quote by Maya Angelou, whom I deeply respect and admire.  She said, "I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, "I love you." There is an African saying which is: Be careful when  naked person offers you his shirt."

Ton a bricks.

I get it.

Been there. Done that. Said "I love you" when I don't love myself.  Felt hollow.  I wanted it to be full- like a life preserver is full enough to buoy up both of us.

I struggle with self-love.  I have always felt hypocritical when I tell others that I love them when I find it difficult to love myself.  It's complicated though.  I do love myself deep down.  I know I do.  And I'm grateful that on some level I am still connected to that because it does allow me to love others.  But I listen to the nagging monster too often.  I believe it.

"He who loves least controls the relationship."

With myself I'd say the nagging monster loves least.

So how do I overpower it? How do I get to the place where I truly do love myself enough to ignore the lies?

I was perusing the Fly Lady's web page after a friend of mine sang her praise.  I am familiar with the Fly Lady and her program but never really bought into it.  While looking through things I saw "Control Journals".  That sounded a bit- freaky- but I took a look anyway.  I always love a good journal.  Oddly enough these speak to me.  I love the idea of having everything organized.  Neat.  Tidy.  And my shame and guilt pile up with the clothes on the floor.  I have never been great at follow through.  I try.  But usually when it is for other people.  I don't want to let them down.  I'm used to letting myself down.  The nagmonster tells me it's what I'm good at.

Looks like it's time to get dressed to the Shoes- and see what happens.

Wish me luck to change the tide.