Roses

A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.

True.

But what about labels and the associations?

In the past I have identified myself as a WoPA: Wife of Porn Addict. 

Today I choose to identify myself as a Warrior Sister. 

Now, please don't think I'm judging anyone here.  I love my WoPA sisters.  

Here's the thing. 

Not everyone is a WoPA.  Not everyone is married.  Not everyone married is married to an addict- or maybe it's not an addiction to pornography.  I also feel a need to define myself AS MYSELF not in relation to anyone else.  (I realize "sister" is a relational term...stay with me here.)  

I want to define myself for who I am.  So who am I?  Am I the wife of a porn addict? Yes.  But my husband is so much more than just an addict.  He's a complex human being.  He's also learning how to be healthy. As am I.  I think the label Porn Addict is harsh.  Negative connotation.  I get the negative emotions associated. For now- it's an easy label.  But that's all about HIM.  What about Bob Me? 

I am a complex human being too.  I think we all are. 

Warrior= one who fights valiantly.  What am I fighting?  For my marriage.  For my health.  For the health of my family.  For hope.  For a brighter, healthier, richer future.  

Sister= a member of a sisterhood, which to say is an organization of women with a common interest (see warrior).  

I am a woman fighting for myself and others to be healthy and happy.  

This has always been a part of me.  

I'm glad I found it again.  

So if you read old posts- that's where I was then in the journey.  This is where I am now.  

And I am blessed beyond words for my sisters no matter what names they choose.  Blood and otherwise.  

History of Silence

I just found the Lyric video of Sara Bareilles's Brave.
Beautiful.
Hopeful.
Just what I need today.

Maybe you need it too.




The line that gets me today:
"And since your history of silence won't do you any good, did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty- why don't you tell them the truth?"

Sisters: I've got my warrior jewels on and am leaning in.  Being brave.  I even asked a friend to help with the kids today.  I can do this.

Wish me luck.

What a piece of work is man

Professor M. would always start class with a quote from one of his two favorite people; Shakespear or himself.  His rich Indian accent, a knowing glint in his eye and a chuckle always accompanied his favorite sayings.  standing in front of the room with his sweater on and his brown balding head shining in the florescent lighting he would stand behind the lectern and offer up wisdom for us to ponder. "what a piece of work is man!"

Indeed. I think we often underestimate the power and beauty we possess. We look at our life and think, "What a mess!"

I am not an organized person by nature. I have piles where others might have labeled boxes. I do consider myself creative but not an artist. (An artist should know painting and proportions or something. I just make it up as I go.) My lack of organization and discipline to keep things today has sometimes been a point of shame and embarrassment.

But I'm tired of being ashamed. I'm tired of being embarrassed. I want to be REAL, piles and all. Because I believe God made me and i believe I have just as much potential for beauty as I do for mess.

I found this card the other day and gave it to my husband. I believe we are here to see what we can become, who we can create ourselves to be. There is power in deciding and doing that is not part of finding. (though i believe there is also substantial finding in the process).

What a piece of work is man!

Yes. A masterpiece.
Deep. Messy at times. And beautiful.
i needed to share those thoughts. Now I'm off to create myself.

Laying the past down behind me

Love Beside Me

I know now there's no one here to blame
I could but what good would that do
It wouldn't change a thing
So I grew accustomed to the shame
The sharp sting of your poison
Trying so hard to erase
All the good in me

If this is love beside me
I'm working on forgiveness
Laying the past down behind me
Letting go the ways that I've been hurt
Let the rivers rise and rage
I'll try and stand with grace

If everything is love

In the end the war had left us broken
Mourning all the things I'd lost
The debts I couldn't pay,
But I didn't want to disappear
I was caught in TV static
Sinking into grey
No more to give away

If this is love beside me
I'm working on forgiveness
Laying the past down behind me
Letting go the ways that I've been hurt
Let the rivers rise and rage
I'll try to stand with grace
If everything is love

If this is love beside me
I'm working on forgiveness
Laying the past down behind me
Letting go the ways that I've been hurt
Let the rivers rise and rage
I'll try to stand with grace

If this is love beside me
This is love beside me
This is love beside me

Songwriters
MATTHEW B MORRIS, SARAH ANN MCLACHLAN, TOM DOUGLAS

Published by
Lyrics © BMG PLATINUM SONGS

Work Your Own Program

After the healing high of The Togetherness Project I came back to real life and let life get back in the way. I let myself get distracted with my husband's recovery. I let my worries and judgements of others seemingly judging me get in the way of BEING ME and Working my own program.  Thank goodness my counselor was able to help point me straight again. (Not that it was easy-I hate seeing that I'm turned 180 degrees when I thought I was only a few off--no wonder I was headed in the wrong direction...) So I'm trying to work MY program as prescribed by ME, what speaks to my heart and soul.

And I just found this new artist that I *LOVE*: mikaela kahn Some people describe her as the next Sara Bareilles. Which is lovely.

Volkswagon Cathedrals

He's heard *my* prayers in a car.  Some of my most profound moments have been while driving.  Some even causing me to pull over until it is safe to drive again.  I'm grateful for my little stained glass sanctuaries over the years. I wish I could post the music for you or play it myself  but here are the lyrics to a song that sticks with me. 

		(photo from Caleb Kraft)

Prayers in a Car (Cherie Call) I was in a car sitting with my mother A couple miles from home at a store just down the street And I was getting restless Cause nothing seemed to happen when she turned the key That's when she turned to look at me And she said, "Darling we can get home soon But there's only one way that that can be" There was no place to kneel but she knew that God would hear If we closed our eyes and said a prayer No sooner was it done when the engine turned right over That's when I learned His love is never far He heard my prayers in a car I was in that car Fifteen years later Driving home from work when I got turned around And I started feeling restless when I found myself on the wrong side of town That's when a prayer came to my mind And I told my Father all about my day till I started seeing familiar signs And I couldn't close my eyes But I told Him of my home And somehow He led me safely there In the middle of the night on unfamiliar highways I knew His love was never far He heard my prayers in a car And I can't count the times When I would just get in that car and drive Trying to sort things out Or just forget some pair of deep blue eyes And I've pulled to the side to whisper prayers while cars sped past And for a moment those tinted windows were stained glass And I'm pretty sure That God is no respecter of the makes and models of cars where people pray They could be Volkswagons, eighteen wheelers or Cheverolets Cause every time His children are in need He will hear the words they whisper No matter where they might be And every chance I get I will try to show my honor By getting on my knees every time I pray But even when I can't my heart still cries out And I know His love is never far He's heard my prayers in a car

Copyright 2002 Cherie Call, all rights reserved

Ready....Aim.....

Arrows have to be pulled back before they can fly. 

Most of the time I think that I am the Great Archer- deciding where to shoot and adjusting my aim. But I think I'm really the arrow. In the hands of the Great Archer (God) I can be a valuable resource in the fight against evil. In the fight for love and goodness and compassion for one another.  (Think: Cupid)

A dear friend sent me an arrow pendant with this reminder that when we feel like we are being pulled back we are getting ready to be launched.  That has stuck with me and I've felt it so much recently. Pulled back by all sorts of different things.  I also feel the anticipation of flight.  That I am headed in a direction, but I don't know what one yet.  I'm excited and scared to see where I'm headed.  To see what good I can do.  To see what difference I can make.  It might be in the walls of my home- or it might reach farther than that- but where ever I am meant to make a difference I feel it. I'm ready.  Aim.  LOOSE! (Because "fire" was not said until firearms...)