I'm gonna love myself

I'm not looking to leave.
In fact, things are going well.
We found a good marriage therapist who seems to fit the bill and for that I am grateful.
I LOVE Jewel's song about loving myself and being stronger FOR ME because I struggle with that.  I can be strong in lots of situations but often at my own expense.  Now it's my turn.
Got my new Yoga Socks in the mail today.

Change is in the wind friends.
Smells wonderful.  

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write

But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just when he's hungry or frisky
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

Well from now on I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
A stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,
Yeah...

Like a truck in the mud...

I'm stuck.

I'm in what my counselor calls my "identity mode".  Meaning my mind runs and runs and runs a narrative that is not healthy or real. Identity mode is real.  I can tell because of the body tension.  It makes me physically ache and physically ill.

There are ways to get out of it.
Bridging.
Mapping.
Meditation- recognizing the thoughts and letting them go.

This last week has been hard.  Yesterday was even harder.

I reached out yesterday.
I was vulnerable with a friend and exposed my raw heart to her.

It was such a relief to have another person I don't have to HIDE from.

And she shared a sacred place with me.  It was a great day.

But I'm sad about the state of my heart.  I want to be healed.  I want LIFE to stop throwing daggers.

So I'm stuck.

Running my internal tapes.
And I recognize that.

Which is important.
But hard to get out of.
Typing helps.  The clacking of the keys is soothing.
And my "Chakra Balancing Radio" station on Pandora helps.

How do those who don't believe in a higher power or God heal?

And now I'm stuck in his recovery.
Which I recognize is not for me.
BUT it does matter to me. And it DOES affect me.

Painting Hope

I painted this on my wall last night.

I woke up to it this morning.  

It is the perfect reminder I need to not give up. 

There is always hope.

Maybe not that things will turn out picture perfect the way *I* want- but that I can survive. 

And so can you.

Maybe one day even fly.

Which of course brings THIS song to mind:

One Day I'll Fly Away 

From the Movie Moulin Rouge

(My apologies for any triggers this may cause...)

[Satine:]
I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin to live again

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your love do for me
When will love be through with me
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Fly fly away...

Can't get it out of my head/heart

I know I've posted Human before.  I can't get it out of my head.

And Say Something is one I can't get out of my heart. (I love Pentatonix!)



Life is so very hard right now.

My counselor keeps reminding me that you can't train for a marathon in one go.  It takes time and dedication and LOTS of work and sweat (and maybe even a few curse words along the way).

I have to be reminded of that often because I want it all to be better now.

But like the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, I think it's going to get darker before it gets lighter.

Lyrics: Say Something
"Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

What We Are...

I was listening to a CD this morning and when this song came on I just stopped.  Dead in my tracks.  I sat down in my rocking chair, closed my eyes, and listened:



"What You Are"

I’m driving around town
Kinda bored with the windows rolled down
See a girl on the bus stop bench
Dressed to draw attention

Hoping everyone will stare
If she don’t stand out she thinks she’ll disappear
Wish I could hold her, tell her, show her
What she wants is already there

A star is a star
It doesn’t have to try to shine
Water will fall
A bird just knows how to fly

You don’t have to tell a flower how to bloom
Or light how to fill up a room
You already are what you are
And what you are is beautiful

Heard a story the other day
Took place at the local VA
A father talking to his dying son
This was his conversation

“It’s not supposed to be like this
You can’t go first I can’t handle it”
The boy said “Dad now don’t you cry,
Remember when I was a child what you used to tell me when I’d ask why?”

(You’d say) Gravity is gravity
It doesn’t try to pull you down
Stone is stone
It can’t help but hold its ground

The wind just blows, though you can’t see
It’s everywhere like I’ll always be
You already are what you are
And what you are is strong enough
Look in the mirror
Now that’s another story to tell
I give love to others
But I give myself hell

I’d have to tell myself
“In every scene there’s a perfect plan”
Everything I hoped to be
I already am
A flower is a flower
It doesn’t have to try to bloom
And light is light
Just knows how to fill a room

And dark is dark
So the stars have a place to shine
The tide goes out
So it can come back another time

Goodbye makes a love so sweet
And love is love so it can teach us
We already are what we are
And what we are is beautiful

And strong enough

And good enough

And bright enough

Don't *should* yourself

Don't Should Yourself

I've been doing a LOT of thought mapping and labeling lately.  Turns out I "should" myself ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME! 

I wrote in my journal for a while this morning and wrote page after page of "shoulds" I put on myself.  These requirements are not realistic and yet I let them rule my life.  They are difficult to diffuse but I'm working on it.  

The biggest overarching theme that I see is that "This shouldn't be my life."  

Well guess what? It is. 

I do NOT live the fairy tale I thought I would have. 

Yes, I have a myriad of things that I am grateful for and are wonderful in my life.  

But I am still coming to terms with what this means.

I don't have to let all the MUCK be what defines me, what defines MY LIFE.

YOLO

Carpe Diem Millenial Style.  (You Only Live Once)

And I WANT to live LOUD. I want to live free of fear and "should".

I'm not there yet- but I'm working on it.  Here's a good reminder: 

It's My Life

This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow’s getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain’t even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

It’s my life
And it’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down

It’s my life
And it’s now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive

It’s my life
And it’s now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
'Cause it's my life!

Keep Thou My Feet

A Sunday morning of pondering.

I woke up early and couldn't calm my mind.

So I went for a walk in the dawn.  It was beautiful and calming.  But coming home my mind was still unsettled.

And I keep thinking of this song.

So I'll share it with you.  I have always loved this song.

"Keep thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me."

I DO want to see the distant scene.  But for now I will trust in the NEXT right thing.

I have many friends whose hearts are hurting right now.  My heart is unsettled.  Trying to find my way in this life that is turning out different than I imagined.

I have to remind myself that different doesn't equal bad.

And to trust is My God.


 

Lyrics

1. 1. Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom;
   Lead thou me on!
   The night is dark, and I am far from home;
   Lead thou me on!
   Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
   The distant scene--one step enough for me.
2. 2. I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou
   Shouldst lead me on.
   I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
   Lead thou me on!
   I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
   Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.
3. 3. So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still
   Will lead me on
   O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
   The night is gone.
   And with the morn those angel faces smile,
   Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!
4. Text: John Henry Newman, 1801-1890
   Music: John B. Dykes, 1823-1876