Families

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
 (First line of Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy)

Well, Fuck. 

Showing up mess and all

Glennon Melton and Brené Brown have changed my world. They have changed how I view things. Glennon reminded me today that Showing up is greater than Showing off.  Show up. Be real. That's what I need more of right now.

Living in a new town and making new friends as an adult isn't easy. I'm so grateful one of these new friends reached out and was real about her need to BE REAL and say how hard life is right now.  I appreciate that soooo much. I want to hug her and tell her it's ok. That I'm lost too.  Together. We are all just walking each other home.  

I have been so exhausted lately and I'm not sure why.  Motherhood. Adulthood.  Allergies. Depression. Going off meds and changing up my body chemistry. Diet. Lack of exercise. Seasons changing.  Yes. All of it.

So I went to bed early last night, like 8pm instead of midnight.  I feel better today. And when I woke up I read Glennons real post about showing up.  And it answered something in me.  

I am spiritual by nature. I feel connected to others without explanation. I FEEL a lot. That's what I'm noticing more being off the meds.  I feel more without them.  The bad and the Good.  So I'm not sure what my next move will be but I'm grateful for the rest as respite I got last night.  

Pain in the deep

Loved ones are hurting tonight.

Because my husband and I have left the faith we were raised with. There is a lot of fear and misunderstanding.  Time will heal things.  And more hard conversations will help.  I wish I could ease the pain.  I know that at the beginning of everything for me I was overwhelmed and felt like I was drowning and nobody cared or understood.

There were a few who were patient and told me it would be ok in the end, however things ended up.  I didn't believe it.  So they told me again.  Then I started to have hope.  That I COULD survive.  And even enjoy life again.  But it wasn't overnight.  It wasn't in an instant.  It is only now, looking back, that I can see that I wasn't dying.  I was growing fins.

And now with all the raw emotions I'm going to take Glennon's advice: 

Buy it HERE

And finally this: 

Which you can also buy HERE

Gonna Blow!

Anger.

Apparently I have a lot of it.

I'm not totally sure how to diffuse it or deal with it appropriately.

I get angry at DH a lot. I feel I am almost always on the defensive.  Based out of fear.  Fear that I won't speak up. Fear that boundaries will be crossed. Fear that my BODY is the only thing desired.

See this:

photo from :HERE

 
Beautiful. Stunning.

Dangerous.

This is Mount Vesuvius in Italy.  You know, the one that blew and scorched Pompeii into stone mummies.

It feels like the anger is bubbling just under the surface.  Sadly if it blows I'm afraid it'll be like Pompeii and things will not survive.  Like our relationship.

But what kind of relationship is it if it is not wholly authentic and allowed to exist with ALL information?

Having other people here to witness my mess is embarrassing.

WHY DO I CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?

WHY AM I SO DAMN AFRAID OF BEING ANGRY!!

Going Private

First Private Entry

I set the blog to private; only *I* can read what is on the blog currently (and the server guys at google or blogger or whatever).  I'm hoping this will help me focus what I want and need out of this space.

Space. 

That's part of it.  A small corner of the universe/web-o-sphere that is mine.  

But I don't feel total freedom because I don't have access to type as needed.  That is frustrating.


***Edited to Add: I am moving it back to Public for the time being.  I have friends that perhaps this could benefit.  If I start feeling unsafe I'll move it back to private or password protected.***

A good bye of sorts

The only thing that we can be certain of in this life is change.  

It will always come. 

Often when you're not expecting it.

But this time I'm anticipating it. 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this blog from here on out.  

I might add to it.

I might go private.

I might change it.

I might go public.

But I know that it will likely not stay the same. 

I'm not the same person I was two years ago when I started this blog.

I've grown. SO MUCH.

I've learned. Loved. Been hurt. Been vulnerable. Been wise. Made mistakes and moved on. 

I will never discount the time I've spent here.

It has been healing. 

And for that I am so much better for it.

But knowing that it exists and it is related to the LDS Church is becoming a point of anxiety for me.  Thus I will ask to be removed from the blogroll and will likely not have the same audience. 

And I'm okay with that. 

It's like starting a new journal for me. 

I breathe a sigh of relief as I close the one that has held me through my pain and quandaries and dreams.  Now it is time for me to begin anew and start forging a different path. 

Exciting and terrifying all at once. 

Like the first day of school. 

If you need to contact me I still check email: madagaea (at) gmail (dot com of course) 

Here's to new adventures. 

Tally Ho!

If you need me I'll be over here eating muffins...

Living authentically is HARD. Crazy hard.  

I realized today I've been in numb mode.  

Numb the pain...and the joy. 

In order to get to the joy one must wade through the mire of pain.

At least acknowledge it is there and the muck stinks.

But I don't want to be vulnerable. Not yet. 

Maybe in my small circles of safety.

...maybe.

I've been thinking a lot about people EARNING the right to hear your story.  I want my story to be heard and validated but I don't want to throw it at just any passer-by (like random readers on the internet who I may or may not know in real life...hmm...AWKWARD)

For now I will reflect on the gratitude that I have found a select few.

It's not easy though. 

I'm really wishing for a magic wand or fairy godmother to come in and pack boxes and help me deal with the muck.  Or just deal with it FOR me.  

Too bad I don't believe in fairies. 

(Clap! Clap if you believe!)

Or maybe I just misplaced her phone number. 

 I'm sure I'll find it while I'm packing. 

Meanwhile I'm simply repeating this over and over until it sinks in: