You is kind. You is smart. You is important

Strong.  Smart.
You are strong. You're smart.

(You is kind. You is smart. You is important.)


"You have always amazed me with how strong you are."
"You've always been smart."
"I have always been proud of your strength and beauty."
"I have seen you rise above SO MANY things in your life, and I admire you so much for your faith, courage, resilience and dedication to the Lord."

People have actually said these words to me.

And yet, I find them hard to believe.

A part of me, deep down, has always whispered these things too.
But I have such a hard time believing her.

My inner self.

These are just things on my mind right now as I work on healing.

A girl with fighting for!

(Thanks Disney- now the song from Mulan is stuck in my head)

I find myself wondering, "Am I worth fighting for?" This seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life.  When I'm low I always wonder the same thing: What's the point? Am *I* worth fighting for?

 I was looking through my journals recently and came across one from a particularly rough year.  My first real boyfriend.  My dad had just remarried and there was a LOT of drama mixed in with that.  Friends that turned into step sibling.  The forcing of a front that says, "We are unified and we are happy." Which I never really bought because I was miserable.  His house never felt safe for me to be who I am without judgement and when I finally put my foot down and chose to live with my mom- hell broke loose.  I learned what a real guilt trip looks like.

I'm afraid of what hell is going to break look when I put my foot down in my marriage.  When I say, "These are my boundaries, and these are the consequences for broken boundaries." And then when I follow through.  Because that scares me.  I've never been very good at it.  I usually give in.  I ride the guilt trip train and regret where it takes me.

And so I'm stuck where I don't want to be and I'm the only one that can get me out of this mess.

And YES! I'm worth fighting for.  HELL YES! Even if I'm the only one fighting.



Which makes me kind of sad to think I'm the only one willing to fight for me.

Fierce emotions

I was looking on Pinterest today for yellow/grey bedroom themes and found this.  It made me sad.  If you can't read it the accent pillow reads, "Fiercely Loyal".  It made me sad to think I don't feel that way in our marriage.  I hope for it but the only fierce things I feel right now are usually sadness or anger.  Maybe it is a goal to strive towards.  But for now I'll allow myself time and space to be sad.

Crunchy vs. Creamy: A lesson in Self Care

We're talking Peanut Butter here. 

Crunchy vs. Creamy

I like smooth, stick your mouth shut kind of PB.  Everyone in my house prefers Crunchy.  Which I tolerate, but long for the smooth gooey peanut buttery goodness every time I'm at the grocery store buying a tub of crunchy peanut butter to stave off WW3.  There were many tears shed in the past over only having crappy creamy on a PB&J.  So I gave up the fight.  Money was tight and we could only afford one kind of PB.  Or so I told myself. 

I wasn't important enough and this was such a trivial matter.  PEANUT BUTTER people! 

And so last week, in an attempt at self-care, I bought Creamy Peanut Butter.  

Just for me.  

And no I'm not sharing.  

Waiting and Wading

After my drama yesterday of finding things in youtube histories and my shaking anger (so badly that I pulled something out between my shoulder blades and can't turn my head to the left because of a pinched nerve-no one can tell me this doesn't affect me) I sent hubby an email (because a chat for this sort of thing wouldn't be appropriate at work) and we talked when he got home from work.  (More in depth after the kids had gone to bed).  I was SO afraid that he would try to deny it.  At one point he did downplay a bit saying that he didn't remember every incident and the date they happened on (I get that- but don't down play this mister). So we talked and talked and talked (we're like stationary pioneers) I read him the NY times article and that seemed to shed some light on things.  Lots of apologies.  I appreciate apologies and perhaps I'll truly accept them when I see the change.  He's trying. He is trying to be honest with me. Right now I just kind of have to wait.  Because it takes TIME for him to prove that he means what he says.  And because I've been either so deeply burned or burned too many times I'm waiting.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting for the shoe to not exist.  Waiting to see what he chooses to do the next time he is triggered.

I do wonder why I felt like he was an honest guy when we first started dating.  Was he?  Or was I too trusting? What's wrong with me that I would seek him out?  And I really hate that.  I hate that now I have to second guess my whole life with him.  The last 8 years.  8 years full of what ifs. How would I have acted or reacted had I known? Was there anything to know?  Does it matter? It is past.  Over.  Then why am I dealing with it now?!

I don't want you readers to think that I hate my husband.  I don't.  I do hate the lies. And I have been betrayed.  And that is deep.  I want to believe that he's a good guy.  That he really IS the guy that I love.  Right now it's hard to sort out how much is the addiction and how much is him and what that all means.  And it's really hard for me to see through the rage.  I'm so much more angry than I've EVER been.  Which is normal.  (So glad I'm not just crazy.) Thanks to AddoRecovery and some new friends I know that. So it's hard.  I'm also waiting for the anger to pass.  For me to have waded through all of it to the other side.  What's on the other side of the anger pool of muck?  I don't know.  And not knowing is a little scary too.

These things take time.

These things take time, and time....well....where do I buy some of that stuff?  Can't I outsource to India or something?

I feel like this week I pretty much don't get a lot of time to work on recovery.  I love listening to talks and videos about healing and recovery but I can't really do that.  I like to listen because I can do other things (like dishes or laundry) while I listen.  Mind guiding instead of hating the chore I'm working on.  But I can't do that with my sweet 4 year old following me around.  He listens.  He is perceptive.  And much of this is big grownup stuff that he shouldn't have to worry about.

I spent last weekend at The Togetherness Project and it was glorious.  I spent all of Saturday getting in time I needed to connect and gain some insight and validation.  I'll probably write a legit blog post about it later.  Because that's the problem.  Now I'm back to real life.  I have 3 boys, 2, 4 and 6 and they keep me busy (as total strangers like to point out). And my husband and I are in a radio play this week that takes pretty much all the time after dinner (and I have to find a sitter on TOP of all my regular chores and hope the house isn't TOO much of a mess for a sitter).  But I digress.  Slightly.  I want healing and recovery and hope and I want it SO BADLY.  Right now I also want a maid and NAP and a laundry fairy.  But mostly the nap. But not a "Dangit my kid is crying, I wonder if I could catch 5 more minutes.....CRASH! Guess not" kind of nap. One that is actually productive and where I wake up feeling truly rested and ready for my daily battles.

But for now- I'll "make it" through today and then tomorrow and the next day. No rest for the wicked they say.  Ha. Thanks anonymous "they".  I don't feel I did any wicked to deserve no rest but there ya go.

Hopefully I'll find some sanity in the days ahead.  If not, maybe a Dr. Pepper truck could kindly install a tap at the house.

Catch ya on the flipside.


Whenever that is.

Yard Waste

I hope you'll notice the precise cropping of the photo labeling the trashcan as BS.  I thought it fit. 

     We have a bush in front of our house that I'm not really a fan of.  I can't bring myself to tear it out until I find something I like better so for now it stays.  But I don't like it.  It gets very overgrown and Sideshow Bob looking.  (Forgive me, but that is truly what I think when I see it.) 

(Image courtesy of Wikipedia)

So today I was done. I was done putting up with the ugly.  I was done pretending I like it- or at the very least don't dislike it.  I got the gloves, the pruning shears and took to work.  It was some hard work.  Pokey parts.  Sneezing: that was unexpected.  Looks from people driving by wondering why on earth I'm hacking at that bush. Right now the bush looks uglier than before, but I know it'll grow back.  

That's what we're doing in our marriage right now.  Hacking at some of the ugly stuff so there's room for fresh greenery to grow.  And labeling it for what it is, namely B.S. It's pokey, and hurts.  Sometimes it makes me feel unexpected things.  People who don't know my feelings might wonder why I'm hacking at our marriage.  

So it has room to grow.  And because I'm tired of looking at it and pretending I like it like this.  

My Fleas

So I've been thinking a lot lately about what is this preparing me for? There is a higher purpose- there is something to be gained from this crazy hard trial. There HAS to be. I also keep thinking about group. Maybe I won't have a support group down here- maybe not now- maybe not ever BUT I can't help but wonder if it isn't preparing me for the missionary service I have longed for since a teen. If this is how I share my testimony of the gospel. I don't know that'd I'd ever be called to be a group facilitator (if that is what they are called) or if it is simply me putting myself out here on the vastness of the internet, sharing my belief (and sometimes doubts and even disbelief that's it's meant for ME) of the Power of Christ's Atonement. I don't know what this all means. But if this is part of the preparation- this is so far from anything I ever imagined.

In the part I'm reading in Rhyll Croshaw's book right now she talks about the power of gratitude to change your life. Well, right now, I could use a life change. She recounts the story from The Hiding Place by Victor Frankl, where sisters Betsie and Corrie Ten Boom (Ten Boom is their last name) are in a Nazi prison camp. The barracks they are assigned to are notoriously infested with fleas. Corrie is discouraged (to say the least) and Betsie sees the blessings and thanks God for the fleas, though she didn't know why at the time. But the fleas were a blessing because they kept the guards out of the barracks and spared these women from abuse, harassment and worse things. They were a gift from God.

So how are my fleas going to be a gift from God? Certainly I don't mean to say, "YAY me! I love this trial!" But I am wondering what blessings can come from it. Victor Frankl said, 

"Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning."

So I'm looking for meaning and in the mean time TRYING to be grateful.  And I still suffer a great deal right now but I have hope that this will all get better. One. Day. One. Moment. At. A. Time.
Here are 5 things I am grateful for today:
1- That my husband is willing to fight for us.
2- That I have a few true and dear friends to lean on for encouragement. I know not everyone has that.
3- That I do believe that God numbers the hairs of my head and loves THIS sparrow.
4- That my children have a large support group of family and friends who love them.
5- That I can pray whenever the heck I want.  Out loud or in my head/heart.  He still hears me.

I freaked out, a little.

I might have freaked out a little just now.  My 6 year old is home from school sick with a lovely cough that will probably sit in his lungs for a week or so. That's just how it works.  He was watching Netflix on my phone and I let him (and his little brother).  Then he needed to use the bathroom.  He walked into the bathroom, holding the phone, not watching where he was going, shut the door, LOCKED it (which I assume was to keep the toddler out- he's very curious).  He didn't think anything of it.

But I did.  And I tried to act as calm and cool as I wasn't.  I told him no movies while he's going potty.  He can finish it afterwards.  "Pause your show and slide the phone under the door please." I felt like I was insane.  Innocent.  Barney for goodness sakes.  But the fear that it will turn into habit shook me.  That when he's older and has his own phone it will be an easy access point for him. And habit at that point.  He handed it over no problem.  But I'm still shaking.

I wasn't expecting that trigger today (or ever really) but I worry that this is all going to hit the fan and spread to our children.  So I'm proud of myself for acting on my instinct and for keeping calm and collected.  But it shook me.

I'm well aware of the "what if it fell in the toilet" argument and while gross- it doesn't phase me.  What is far more gross, in terms of size of the matter and content, is looking up porn, or maybe not outright porn but music videos or this or that.  I do think my 6 year old is a normal six year old and doesn't even really know about all that yet.  I hope.  But I know I'll be discussing this with him on his level soon. And that is also grossly scary.  

Be Still

Sometimes prayers are answered in different ways.
I love music.  I forget that sometimes.  I have always loved Hilary Weeks.  One of my personal scriptures has is Psalms 46:10 "...Be still and know that I am God."  The first verse in this chapter reminds us that "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." In Doctrine and Covenants it is repeated, "...all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God."

Likewise the hymn "Be Still My Soul" speaks to me every time.  I often hum or sing it when I'm discouraged.  The lyrics are simply beautiful.

1. 1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
   With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
   Leave to thy God to order and provide;
   In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
   Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
   Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. 2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
   To guide the future as he has the past.
   Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
   All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
   Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
   His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
3. 3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
   When we shall be forever with the Lord,
   When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
   Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
   Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
   All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
4. Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
   trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
   
   

This is a beautiful version by Alex Boye. 

Today I actually cracked open my scriptures and began reading in the New Testament (by far my favorite).  Christ's Sermon on the Mount where he gave the beatitudes left me wondering which verse he was talking to ME in today.  We can all change.  Some days we are meek. Others we are merciful. Often in this process of discovery and hurt and healing,  I am among those that mourn, and I shall be comforted.  What a blessing. I'm still looking for the strength to get through each day.  But I am learning to take things One. Day. At. A. Time.  I'm not very good at it yet.  But here's to today and beautiful music.  

Hearts in a Mailbox

My heart is on paper in a mailbox waiting.  

Just waiting. 

To be opened. 

To be read. 

To be splashed on by the tears of my mother.  

My mom.  Who doesn't know.  Not yet.  

And I'm scared.  And anxious.  And sad.  

So my heart is in a mailbox and my bum is on pins and needles.  

Waiting.  

Waiting. 

It's very uncomfortable.  

Broken Bows

Talk about being close to the spirit.  My baby sister is serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She doesn't know about my personal pain. This all consuming trial.  And yet here are her words from an email she sent home. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing them with you.

One thing that's kind of been a theme for the week is that so many people are fighting a really hard fight. One of the men we work with just had his cancer come back, another recently had a heart attack. Others are fighting through addictions, divorce, or death. And I've repeatedly been so humbled to see the faith they have. Even in devastating times, they're trying to hard to cast their burdens upon the Lord. One thing I've learned more about in my studies this week is how the Lord helps to strengthen us in these desperate times. In 1 Nephi 16, Nephi's bow breaks, and his family has no way to obtain food. There were many of them, and they literally faced starvation. Of course they were all mad and scared, even the prophet Lehi lost his faith for awhile. Still Nephi remained faithful. But despite his remarkable faith, the Lord didn't take Nephi's problem away. Instead, Nephi had to use the knowledge he already had, and listen to the Spirit to receive the further guidance he needed to build a new bow and know where to go to find food. The Lord doesn't just take away our problems because we trust Him. But He will give us the strength and knowledge to keep going. In times of grief and heartbreak, He might not erase those feelings, but He will help us move forward. Even in my first couple weeks here I'm experiencing it in my own life as well. And it's scary. But He will be there, and He does know exactly what you're experiencing.

Don't we all break our bows sometimes? (I think sometimes rather than my bow breaking from use- it breaks from misuse, disuse, or simple fits of anger where I whack it on a rock.) Wonder how on Earth we are going to survive?  And yet the Lord shows us the way.  The Spirit whispers to our souls, "Hang in there."

Oh the river of tears.  Catches me off guard sometimes.  That I am loved.  That my Savior is just that. MINE.   Thanks SisterGirl for your wise words.

Do you believe?

There are many links.  If you have a minute please take a look.  If you don't have a minute- come back and read them.  


"Believest thou in the power of Christ unto salvation?...If thou believest thou canst be healed." -Alma 15: 6,8

"Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief." -Mark 9:24

HERE is a link to the LDS Addiction Recovery Program.  I just found the site and it is beautiful.

These two scriptures sum up my hope and my fear that I don't fully believe, that I don't understand enough to believe.

There is more my soul longs to say.  I'll let it simmer for a bit- like soup- it usually comes out better if I wait.

Better Days.

Free baby food jars can change one's outlook.

No, really.

So today has been a better day anyway BUT I think I'm right about free crafting materials.  It gets the creative juices flowing and THAT is a good thing.

It's also payday and I am reminded again what a blessing it is to be able to take care of our family's needs.

I slept better last night.

I told my husband (reluctantly) that I couldn't sleep if he was touching me because I didn't trust him to behave.  Pretty crazy.  Crazy being that I chose to be honest about not trusting him.  THAT was huge for me.  A little step.  But a giant leap.

I'm in the process of reading Rhyll Croshaw's book What Can I do About Him Me? It is a hard reality that my husband is an addict and I am definitely mourning the loss of my "happily ever after" marriage.  I wasn't a dummy- I knew marriage is full of hard work and bumps.  I knew that pornography would be one of those bumps.  I didn't expect it to be Mt. Everest.  I want to get to a place where I can forgive (for my own selfish need to be free of that weight) and to do that I pray. A lot. Like, all the time.  I read.  I research.  I think. I process.  Sometimes I take a break from processing and just blast Kelly Clarkson, which the kids seem to think is awesome.  So today is better.  Maybe the rain is cleansing.  Maybe it is just fill up reservoirs for later.  But I'm so grateful today is better.

I stinkin' love Kelly Clarkson.

Change it up.

Reading blog posts of other WoPA is comforting and inspiring and exhausting.

I had a good weekend. Connected more with my husband- got some REAL responses from him.

Lots of spiritual uplift and encouragement.

Some frank discussions about boundaries.

And yet I'm still feeling numb.  

This blog post about Dead Hearts and Resurrection  hits close to home.  Right now I'm struggling because I want SO BADLY to work on MY healing and recovery.  But I find it near impossible when I don't even have a quiet moment to THINK.

There is no such thing as quiet at our house.  3 boys.  If by chance it is quiet, you'd better investigate because there are big things going down.  I don't sleep well. I can't remember a time when I did.  I have physical pain a lot that I feel is directly liked to my emotional ailments.

Poignant lesson from my crying (*more whine than cry) 4year old.
Mom: What's wrong?
4year old: I just keep getting hurt.
Mom: Then do something different.


Let's reverse it for a minute.
God: What's wrong?
Crying Me: I just keep getting hurt.
God: Then do something different.


My thoughts are jumbled. My children just escaped out the back door in their PJs.  I'm tired, and lonely, and sad.  I don't know HOW to find the energy/strength/courage to do something different.  Or what that different would be.  I would really like to take a step away from parenting so I can work on me and be a better parent.  Because survival mode is important in a crisis- but life lived in crisis makes four a lousy life.  I KNOW I am robbing my kids of a mom who is there. With it.  Who genuinely cares.  (I care, but not like I should.) I am robbing myself of life. I'd like to say I'm robbing my husband of a loving caring spouse, but I already feel like *I* am the one that lost that.

I need my Mom.  Which is hard.  Because I haven't told her yet.  I don't know how.

This weekend was mostly a nice change of pace.  I had my husband home.  I had inspiring talks to listen to. We visited with family and I still felt largely like an impostor because I can't tell them of my hurt.  I don't trust them.  I find there are few (if any) who I do trust these days.

Ugh. Not in a good place.  I HATE this emotional rollercoaster!

A good reminder.

WoPA (Wives of Porn Addicts)

"I think Pete and I are both heartbroken that we don't have a real connection between us.  For so long we have looked to each other to meet our needs.  [Forgive me Harriet!] But we have expected so much of each other and been so hurt.   I wanted his recovery so much it consumed me.  And he wanted my love and admiration so much he felt crazy.  And, for the last few months, we have both been incapable of offering what the other was so desperate for." -Jane @ http://hisstrugglemystruggle.blogspot.com/  

But then I'm torn because I kind of want him to feel what I feel. I want him to understand what this is doing to me. And I feel sorry for him. I feel sad for him. He is really struggling and is afraid of what could happen to our marriage, and I really can't be encouraging right now. There is a line. I don't know what it is, but there is one. I am dedicated to keeping our marriage intact and upholding my covenants, but really how hard ishe trying? I know there are victories for him in fighting the addiction, but the losses are what will destroy us and him. 

He told me last night he doesn't want the addiction to define him. I told him it doesn't have to, but he has to choose that. Right now, he seems to be letting it define him. He has to fight hard. I have to fight hard. And we have to fight together. 

Addiction sucks. It really does. I'm trying not to let this bring me down, but it's exhausting. Week after week. Day after day. When will I completely go crazy? It's bound to happen, right? I guess not if I can keep turning to the Atonement. 

This is just hard. While I am grateful for how we have grown and the beauty that lies in our relationship, I do miss the innocence I thought we had. -Marie L. @ http://12stepswithchrist.blogspot.com/

THIS entire post. From THIS wonderful blog. 


A few wise words from women like me.  They said it. I felt it.  So I thought I'd share. 

I Take That Back.

I'm not an addict. Or a co-dependent.  The terminology is so new and there are conflicting ideas.  I'm not either of those.  I have experienced TRAUMA.  THAT is what my symptoms are.  Why I feel like I'm going crazy.  Why I feel like I should trust but can't. Not yet. Not right now. But I do have hope that it will come.  Some fear that it won't.  But I'm doing what I can for ME. And it's hard to let go that I can't control him.

From the First Addo Recovery lesson:

Emotional ups and downs are expected, and the paradoxical experience of anger coupled with a desire to connect, is common. These feelings create confusion and pain, resulting in polarized emotions, possibly making you feel out of control at times.

Bingo.

I'm not crazy.
I'm traumatized.

This first lesson was big for me.  I know I'm not alone in this battle but I didn't understand that my response is actually what the majority of women feel like.  I'm normal.

This all brings out a lot of issues for me and the biggest one I see right now is Boundaries.  I need boundaries to keep myself safe.  I can trust my husband when he shows me trustworthy behavior.  And I still need to have boundaries in place while I don't feel emotionally safe.  Now how to go about that? I'm not totally sure. In the past my natural response has been to simply say NO when I don't want to do something for whatever reason.  Kissing. Sex. Other.  I haven't always been stalwart on maintaining that NO.  And then I am hurt that I let myself down.  But I need CLEAR definitive boundaries with natural consequences.  They are not punishments for him (though it might feel like that).  They are safeguards for ME.  And that's how I have to look at it.  My healing is about ME not him.  He's in charge of his healing and I can't make him do anything.  Which is hard for me.  I like to control.  So I'm letting it go and working on me.  Because that's all I can do.

Show Me How Big Your Brave Is

I love this song.  A good reminder to be brave.
To speak words that are hard.


"Brave"

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

Two addicts?

I have got to write some of my thoughts down before I go crazy.

My husband struggles with an addiction to pornography.

I have read blog after blog.  Forums. FB groups. You Tube videos.

I know I'm not alone now.

Which is huge.

But it's all still very raw and scary to me. Which is odd because we've been married 7 1/2 years and I've known the whole time that it's an issue.  But didn't understand that it's bigger than that.  All the people I've talked with and read from suggest boundaries.  Boundaries are what make me feel safe.  I've tried but never had words or encouragement that I was doing what was right for me.  I'm still angry that I even have to have boundaries in the first place.  That I could be so hurt feels like my fault.  It feels like I should have seen it coming.  I should have put up the boundaries to keep myself safe and free from hurt but I didn't so, like a fool, I got hurt.  There's a lot of personal shame that I feel about the whole situation and that kind of pisses me off.  Why am *I* the one that feels the shame when *I* didn't do anything.  I didn't go out and look at other men. I didn't sit and think sexually about someone else. And yet I feel the fool.

So it's hard to reach out.  To get the help and support *I* need because I feel like I should have seen it coming and prevented the pain somehow.  I've always known he's struggled with pornography.  I don't totally understand addiction and the cycle and the chemical side.  I know that addiction runs in families and his parents have struggled with it.  This video hits the heart of the matter though.  I am afraid that I will reach out to the wrong people.  That in the end I will be hurt more.  Like when we told his parents about his addiction and I got bip. Zero. Nothing. They pretty much said, "Thanks for telling us." And left it at that.  Maddening. The few friends I have reached out to have been pretty supportive and I would be lost without them.  Someone else, a family member, that I told- said "Yeah, we struggle with it too." But there was no connection.  No "I feel your pain" like I thought there would be.  So it's hard.

I'm a mess most of the day.  Telling myself that I *HAVE* to get dressed, that I cannot get back in bed and wallow like I want to.  I research and when I hit a raw nerve or feel like "YES! She gets it! I'm not alone and I'm NOT crazy" and then sit at the computer sobbing I wonder how much the kids can handle seeing.  I'm a mess and they know it.  Internally they get that.  So I call it quits before I feel like I'm done.  Wipe away the tears and go make lunch.  Because I still need to do that.  But I really just want to run and cry and get better.  I'm not sure how to balance that with every day life.

There's a term of "co-addiction" that scares me.  I'm not an addict.  He is.

But I might be.

I might be addicted to acting out on the fear because that's what I know.  It's still new.  And I'm offended by the thought that I might be an addict too.  (And usually when there's offense it's because it hits close to home.) More thoughts on that as I figure out what it even means.