Waiting and Wading

After my drama yesterday of finding things in youtube histories and my shaking anger (so badly that I pulled something out between my shoulder blades and can't turn my head to the left because of a pinched nerve-no one can tell me this doesn't affect me) I sent hubby an email (because a chat for this sort of thing wouldn't be appropriate at work) and we talked when he got home from work.  (More in depth after the kids had gone to bed).  I was SO afraid that he would try to deny it.  At one point he did downplay a bit saying that he didn't remember every incident and the date they happened on (I get that- but don't down play this mister). So we talked and talked and talked (we're like stationary pioneers) I read him the NY times article and that seemed to shed some light on things.  Lots of apologies.  I appreciate apologies and perhaps I'll truly accept them when I see the change.  He's trying. He is trying to be honest with me. Right now I just kind of have to wait.  Because it takes TIME for him to prove that he means what he says.  And because I've been either so deeply burned or burned too many times I'm waiting.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting for the shoe to not exist.  Waiting to see what he chooses to do the next time he is triggered.

I do wonder why I felt like he was an honest guy when we first started dating.  Was he?  Or was I too trusting? What's wrong with me that I would seek him out?  And I really hate that.  I hate that now I have to second guess my whole life with him.  The last 8 years.  8 years full of what ifs. How would I have acted or reacted had I known? Was there anything to know?  Does it matter? It is past.  Over.  Then why am I dealing with it now?!

I don't want you readers to think that I hate my husband.  I don't.  I do hate the lies. And I have been betrayed.  And that is deep.  I want to believe that he's a good guy.  That he really IS the guy that I love.  Right now it's hard to sort out how much is the addiction and how much is him and what that all means.  And it's really hard for me to see through the rage.  I'm so much more angry than I've EVER been.  Which is normal.  (So glad I'm not just crazy.) Thanks to AddoRecovery and some new friends I know that. So it's hard.  I'm also waiting for the anger to pass.  For me to have waded through all of it to the other side.  What's on the other side of the anger pool of muck?  I don't know.  And not knowing is a little scary too.

Broken Bows

Talk about being close to the spirit.  My baby sister is serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She doesn't know about my personal pain. This all consuming trial.  And yet here are her words from an email she sent home. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing them with you.

One thing that's kind of been a theme for the week is that so many people are fighting a really hard fight. One of the men we work with just had his cancer come back, another recently had a heart attack. Others are fighting through addictions, divorce, or death. And I've repeatedly been so humbled to see the faith they have. Even in devastating times, they're trying to hard to cast their burdens upon the Lord. One thing I've learned more about in my studies this week is how the Lord helps to strengthen us in these desperate times. In 1 Nephi 16, Nephi's bow breaks, and his family has no way to obtain food. There were many of them, and they literally faced starvation. Of course they were all mad and scared, even the prophet Lehi lost his faith for awhile. Still Nephi remained faithful. But despite his remarkable faith, the Lord didn't take Nephi's problem away. Instead, Nephi had to use the knowledge he already had, and listen to the Spirit to receive the further guidance he needed to build a new bow and know where to go to find food. The Lord doesn't just take away our problems because we trust Him. But He will give us the strength and knowledge to keep going. In times of grief and heartbreak, He might not erase those feelings, but He will help us move forward. Even in my first couple weeks here I'm experiencing it in my own life as well. And it's scary. But He will be there, and He does know exactly what you're experiencing.

Don't we all break our bows sometimes? (I think sometimes rather than my bow breaking from use- it breaks from misuse, disuse, or simple fits of anger where I whack it on a rock.) Wonder how on Earth we are going to survive?  And yet the Lord shows us the way.  The Spirit whispers to our souls, "Hang in there."

Oh the river of tears.  Catches me off guard sometimes.  That I am loved.  That my Savior is just that. MINE.   Thanks SisterGirl for your wise words.