6 People and Lotteries

While contemplating who to share my story with I re-found this:




People Who Do NOT Deserve to Hear My Story: 

1.The friend who hears your story and feels shame for you.  She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make *her* feel better.

2. The friend who responds with sympathy, "I feel so sorry for you," rather than empathy, "I get it. I feel you.  I've been there.  Wanna see a shame cyclone turn deadly throw one of these at it, "Oh you poor thing!" or the passive aggressive Southern version of sympathy, "Bless your heart!"

3.The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity.  She can't help because she's too disappointed in you.  You've let *her* down.

4.The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds, "How did you let this happen?"

5. The friend who is all about making it better and out of her own discomfort refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices. "You're exaggerating.  It wasn't that bad."

6. The friend who confuses connection with the opportunity to one-up you. "That's nothing! Listen to what happened to ME!"



"I'm looking for the person that loves me not despite my vulnerability and imperfection but because of it.  I'm looking for what I call my "move the body" friends. I'm looking for the folks who are going to show up and wade through the deep with me."

One or two in a lifetime and you're lucky.Two or three, LOTTERY.

Guess what?!

I think I've won the mega-all-time-superstar-lottery-of-the-galaxy! I love my Warrior Sisters who walk through all kinds of deep with me.  All at different levels.  And I am SO BLESSED!!


"You have to earn the right to hear MY story.  It's an HONOR to hold space for me when I'm in shame." 

(PS- I"m working on this myself- I'm still not there yet-- but I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow- When you know better you do better. Thank you Miss Maya.)

My Fleas

So I've been thinking a lot lately about what is this preparing me for? There is a higher purpose- there is something to be gained from this crazy hard trial. There HAS to be. I also keep thinking about group. Maybe I won't have a support group down here- maybe not now- maybe not ever BUT I can't help but wonder if it isn't preparing me for the missionary service I have longed for since a teen. If this is how I share my testimony of the gospel. I don't know that'd I'd ever be called to be a group facilitator (if that is what they are called) or if it is simply me putting myself out here on the vastness of the internet, sharing my belief (and sometimes doubts and even disbelief that's it's meant for ME) of the Power of Christ's Atonement. I don't know what this all means. But if this is part of the preparation- this is so far from anything I ever imagined.

In the part I'm reading in Rhyll Croshaw's book right now she talks about the power of gratitude to change your life. Well, right now, I could use a life change. She recounts the story from The Hiding Place by Victor Frankl, where sisters Betsie and Corrie Ten Boom (Ten Boom is their last name) are in a Nazi prison camp. The barracks they are assigned to are notoriously infested with fleas. Corrie is discouraged (to say the least) and Betsie sees the blessings and thanks God for the fleas, though she didn't know why at the time. But the fleas were a blessing because they kept the guards out of the barracks and spared these women from abuse, harassment and worse things. They were a gift from God.

So how are my fleas going to be a gift from God? Certainly I don't mean to say, "YAY me! I love this trial!" But I am wondering what blessings can come from it. Victor Frankl said, 

"Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning."

So I'm looking for meaning and in the mean time TRYING to be grateful.  And I still suffer a great deal right now but I have hope that this will all get better. One. Day. One. Moment. At. A. Time.
Here are 5 things I am grateful for today:
1- That my husband is willing to fight for us.
2- That I have a few true and dear friends to lean on for encouragement. I know not everyone has that.
3- That I do believe that God numbers the hairs of my head and loves THIS sparrow.
4- That my children have a large support group of family and friends who love them.
5- That I can pray whenever the heck I want.  Out loud or in my head/heart.  He still hears me.