Better Days.

Free baby food jars can change one's outlook.

No, really.

So today has been a better day anyway BUT I think I'm right about free crafting materials.  It gets the creative juices flowing and THAT is a good thing.

It's also payday and I am reminded again what a blessing it is to be able to take care of our family's needs.

I slept better last night.

I told my husband (reluctantly) that I couldn't sleep if he was touching me because I didn't trust him to behave.  Pretty crazy.  Crazy being that I chose to be honest about not trusting him.  THAT was huge for me.  A little step.  But a giant leap.

I'm in the process of reading Rhyll Croshaw's book What Can I do About Him Me? It is a hard reality that my husband is an addict and I am definitely mourning the loss of my "happily ever after" marriage.  I wasn't a dummy- I knew marriage is full of hard work and bumps.  I knew that pornography would be one of those bumps.  I didn't expect it to be Mt. Everest.  I want to get to a place where I can forgive (for my own selfish need to be free of that weight) and to do that I pray. A lot. Like, all the time.  I read.  I research.  I think. I process.  Sometimes I take a break from processing and just blast Kelly Clarkson, which the kids seem to think is awesome.  So today is better.  Maybe the rain is cleansing.  Maybe it is just fill up reservoirs for later.  But I'm so grateful today is better.

Soul Showers

Pitter patter of raindrops on leaves and the roof.  Crack of thunder.  Cool breeze flowing through the open window.  The rumble of the thunderstorm outside my window seems to match my thoughts lately.  I keep thinking about all of the things that I have to work on, to figure out.  Maybe the rain will cleanse my canvas and help to erase my mistakes.  This rainfall is an answer to prayer in our drought stricken land.  Maybe my own storm is the answer to my pleas for help and healing.

The rain fills our reservoir. Hopefully we will have enough to sustain further hard times. In the middle of my own drought I have depleted my own source of nourishment.   My soul reservoir has been low for a while now.  I could use this storm to help replenish me.

I am trying to walk the line of being true to myself while being scared that if I am truly myself I will be rejected.  My mom always tells me to feel the fear and do it anyway.  Sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.