Closing doors

"Sometimes it is BRAVE to close your doors."

 -April Day aka Scabs <3

This ^ 

So much THIS^^

This picture brings me such joy. It is saturated with LOVE.

The flowers were a timely reminder that I am loved that came at a low point from dear friends who knew I needed a little pick-me-up.  I love flowers.  I love roses.  I love bright colors.  There is something to me about fresh REAL flowers that remind me to take a moment and enjoy the beauty because it won’t last forever.  I had the sense of mind to also take this photo so I could recall that wisdom at other needed times.

 

The butterflies remind me that “Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she woke up and found she had wings.”  Butterflies have since become a motif in my life.  If I were to ever get a tattoo it would be a butterfly.  (But ew- I hate needles…)

In the background is a collage of pictures from Camp. Camp changed my life.  I can’t point to one particular moment, because it was a collection of things. So many things. Like the money from a generous donor that made my scholarship possible so I could go.  My heart is touched by this self-proclaimed “baller” and I look for little ways to pay it forward.  The women that gathered at a cabin in the snowy mountains became my sisters.  Soul cleansing Yoga. “Leave it on the mat.”  Bizzare Pictionary to break the ice (and boy did that ice BREAK!).  Lovingly prepared food. Standing barefoot in the snow to solidify our sisterhood. So much beauty. I want to do it all again. Every year.

The necklace I wear most days is my reminder to Kill My Own Buffalo and Be BRAVE.  Which has double meaning to me:  You see, my good friend, Buffalo Gal was my light in the darkness.  At the bottom of the well she showed me I wasn’t alone.  I didn’t know her at the time that I found her blog.  But I have come to know her and love her dearly and am better for her presence in my life. (And I’m writing this at work and tearing up guys, good thing we’re slow tonight.) Someday we will be sitting by the lake, sipping lemonade and letting our boys run wild together.  I look forward to this.  So much. 

My ringtone is Sara Barellis’s “Brave”.

Which brings me full circle. To Scab’s quote that sometimes it is BRAVE to close our doors.  To pull our kids from activities, to say NO, to be KIND to ourselves. 

Every time I say “No” to someone or something I am also saying “YES” to someone or something else.

So today I did something BRAVE.

I deactivated my Facebook account.  I need some time and space from the opinions of others so I can hear myself. Because I MATTER.  

I'm gonna love myself

I'm not looking to leave.
In fact, things are going well.
We found a good marriage therapist who seems to fit the bill and for that I am grateful.
I LOVE Jewel's song about loving myself and being stronger FOR ME because I struggle with that.  I can be strong in lots of situations but often at my own expense.  Now it's my turn.
Got my new Yoga Socks in the mail today.

Change is in the wind friends.
Smells wonderful.  

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write

But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just when he's hungry or frisky
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

Well from now on I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
A stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,
Yeah...

Laying the past down behind me

Love Beside Me

I know now there's no one here to blame
I could but what good would that do
It wouldn't change a thing
So I grew accustomed to the shame
The sharp sting of your poison
Trying so hard to erase
All the good in me

If this is love beside me
I'm working on forgiveness
Laying the past down behind me
Letting go the ways that I've been hurt
Let the rivers rise and rage
I'll try and stand with grace

If everything is love

In the end the war had left us broken
Mourning all the things I'd lost
The debts I couldn't pay,
But I didn't want to disappear
I was caught in TV static
Sinking into grey
No more to give away

If this is love beside me
I'm working on forgiveness
Laying the past down behind me
Letting go the ways that I've been hurt
Let the rivers rise and rage
I'll try to stand with grace
If everything is love

If this is love beside me
I'm working on forgiveness
Laying the past down behind me
Letting go the ways that I've been hurt
Let the rivers rise and rage
I'll try to stand with grace

If this is love beside me
This is love beside me
This is love beside me

Songwriters
MATTHEW B MORRIS, SARAH ANN MCLACHLAN, TOM DOUGLAS

Published by
Lyrics © BMG PLATINUM SONGS

Anybody want a shirt?

"He who loves least controls the relationship." -Don't know if someone else said this prior but I heard my American Lit teacher in high school, Mr. Wilson, say this and it stuck.

I often wonder if I love least.  I seem to always be searching for control.

I came across a quote by Maya Angelou, whom I deeply respect and admire.  She said, "I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, "I love you." There is an African saying which is: Be careful when  naked person offers you his shirt."

Ton a bricks.

I get it.

Been there. Done that. Said "I love you" when I don't love myself.  Felt hollow.  I wanted it to be full- like a life preserver is full enough to buoy up both of us.

I struggle with self-love.  I have always felt hypocritical when I tell others that I love them when I find it difficult to love myself.  It's complicated though.  I do love myself deep down.  I know I do.  And I'm grateful that on some level I am still connected to that because it does allow me to love others.  But I listen to the nagging monster too often.  I believe it.

"He who loves least controls the relationship."

With myself I'd say the nagging monster loves least.

So how do I overpower it? How do I get to the place where I truly do love myself enough to ignore the lies?

I was perusing the Fly Lady's web page after a friend of mine sang her praise.  I am familiar with the Fly Lady and her program but never really bought into it.  While looking through things I saw "Control Journals".  That sounded a bit- freaky- but I took a look anyway.  I always love a good journal.  Oddly enough these speak to me.  I love the idea of having everything organized.  Neat.  Tidy.  And my shame and guilt pile up with the clothes on the floor.  I have never been great at follow through.  I try.  But usually when it is for other people.  I don't want to let them down.  I'm used to letting myself down.  The nagmonster tells me it's what I'm good at.

Looks like it's time to get dressed to the Shoes- and see what happens.

Wish me luck to change the tide.