Anybody want a shirt?

"He who loves least controls the relationship." -Don't know if someone else said this prior but I heard my American Lit teacher in high school, Mr. Wilson, say this and it stuck.

I often wonder if I love least.  I seem to always be searching for control.

I came across a quote by Maya Angelou, whom I deeply respect and admire.  She said, "I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, "I love you." There is an African saying which is: Be careful when  naked person offers you his shirt."

Ton a bricks.

I get it.

Been there. Done that. Said "I love you" when I don't love myself.  Felt hollow.  I wanted it to be full- like a life preserver is full enough to buoy up both of us.

I struggle with self-love.  I have always felt hypocritical when I tell others that I love them when I find it difficult to love myself.  It's complicated though.  I do love myself deep down.  I know I do.  And I'm grateful that on some level I am still connected to that because it does allow me to love others.  But I listen to the nagging monster too often.  I believe it.

"He who loves least controls the relationship."

With myself I'd say the nagging monster loves least.

So how do I overpower it? How do I get to the place where I truly do love myself enough to ignore the lies?

I was perusing the Fly Lady's web page after a friend of mine sang her praise.  I am familiar with the Fly Lady and her program but never really bought into it.  While looking through things I saw "Control Journals".  That sounded a bit- freaky- but I took a look anyway.  I always love a good journal.  Oddly enough these speak to me.  I love the idea of having everything organized.  Neat.  Tidy.  And my shame and guilt pile up with the clothes on the floor.  I have never been great at follow through.  I try.  But usually when it is for other people.  I don't want to let them down.  I'm used to letting myself down.  The nagmonster tells me it's what I'm good at.

Looks like it's time to get dressed to the Shoes- and see what happens.

Wish me luck to change the tide.