These things take time.

These things take time, and time....well....where do I buy some of that stuff?  Can't I outsource to India or something?

I feel like this week I pretty much don't get a lot of time to work on recovery.  I love listening to talks and videos about healing and recovery but I can't really do that.  I like to listen because I can do other things (like dishes or laundry) while I listen.  Mind guiding instead of hating the chore I'm working on.  But I can't do that with my sweet 4 year old following me around.  He listens.  He is perceptive.  And much of this is big grownup stuff that he shouldn't have to worry about.

I spent last weekend at The Togetherness Project and it was glorious.  I spent all of Saturday getting in time I needed to connect and gain some insight and validation.  I'll probably write a legit blog post about it later.  Because that's the problem.  Now I'm back to real life.  I have 3 boys, 2, 4 and 6 and they keep me busy (as total strangers like to point out). And my husband and I are in a radio play this week that takes pretty much all the time after dinner (and I have to find a sitter on TOP of all my regular chores and hope the house isn't TOO much of a mess for a sitter).  But I digress.  Slightly.  I want healing and recovery and hope and I want it SO BADLY.  Right now I also want a maid and NAP and a laundry fairy.  But mostly the nap. But not a "Dangit my kid is crying, I wonder if I could catch 5 more minutes.....CRASH! Guess not" kind of nap. One that is actually productive and where I wake up feeling truly rested and ready for my daily battles.

But for now- I'll "make it" through today and then tomorrow and the next day. No rest for the wicked they say.  Ha. Thanks anonymous "they".  I don't feel I did any wicked to deserve no rest but there ya go.

Hopefully I'll find some sanity in the days ahead.  If not, maybe a Dr. Pepper truck could kindly install a tap at the house.

Catch ya on the flipside.


Whenever that is.

I freaked out, a little.

I might have freaked out a little just now.  My 6 year old is home from school sick with a lovely cough that will probably sit in his lungs for a week or so. That's just how it works.  He was watching Netflix on my phone and I let him (and his little brother).  Then he needed to use the bathroom.  He walked into the bathroom, holding the phone, not watching where he was going, shut the door, LOCKED it (which I assume was to keep the toddler out- he's very curious).  He didn't think anything of it.

But I did.  And I tried to act as calm and cool as I wasn't.  I told him no movies while he's going potty.  He can finish it afterwards.  "Pause your show and slide the phone under the door please." I felt like I was insane.  Innocent.  Barney for goodness sakes.  But the fear that it will turn into habit shook me.  That when he's older and has his own phone it will be an easy access point for him. And habit at that point.  He handed it over no problem.  But I'm still shaking.

I wasn't expecting that trigger today (or ever really) but I worry that this is all going to hit the fan and spread to our children.  So I'm proud of myself for acting on my instinct and for keeping calm and collected.  But it shook me.

I'm well aware of the "what if it fell in the toilet" argument and while gross- it doesn't phase me.  What is far more gross, in terms of size of the matter and content, is looking up porn, or maybe not outright porn but music videos or this or that.  I do think my 6 year old is a normal six year old and doesn't even really know about all that yet.  I hope.  But I know I'll be discussing this with him on his level soon. And that is also grossly scary.  

Dream? I'd like some sleep first.

Today is a little better-which gives me hope that things can keep moving forward.

Good friends are priceless.  I talked with a few friends when I was feeling low and one suggested that I do something outside of Mommyhood.  To not forget who I am.  School, talent, hobby.  Something.  Just for me.  My husband has said the same thing and is very encouraging and supportive.  Problem is...I don't now WHAT I would want to do.

Sleep. That sounds lovely.  Craft.  If only my crafting space were well organized and I didn't have to share it with other storage. (Though that's just me being whiny.) I would LOVE to sew more.  For myself- not projects for other people.  I love making things for other people but the last time I created something for myself?  I honestly cannot remember.  I used to whip out skirts or make little things on the fly.  I think the last thing I made was a wallet for myself that I love.  Feb 2011. 2 1/2 years ago.

But where to begin? I feel guilty that my craftroom is a mess.  And it's hard to get it just right with 3 littles running around. Maybe this weekend I can wade through and work on it. Maybe. After all- there is hope.