Anniversary

It's been a year.

Maybe that's part of why I'm feeling emotional.

(Of course it could be hormones, or the full moon, or the fact that my mom left today...)

One year (and a few days) I found out that I had been lied to.

Again.



In that year I have spiralled deeper into myself, started counseling and meds, found warrior sisters, told my story, gone to camp, journaled, cried, opened my heart, been brave, apologized, trusted, (been hurt- but who hasn't), questioned, listened, been kind to myself, connected, disconnected, learned (oh my goodness the learning!), taught, held hands, reached out, asked for help and so many other things.

It's been a long year.

A long journey.

There are more long moments and years ahead.

But I am PROUD of where I am today and I have HOPE that the future is also moving in the right direction.

Oxygen Masks

(pic found HERE)

I had a good meeting with my therapist the other day.  We talked about the importance of taking care of myself so I can take care of others.  She likened it to an emergency oxygen mask in an airplane.  If you've never been on an airplane perhaps you can get the gist from a movie or two.  Awesome safety briefing that people barely avidly listen to as the plane taxis for takeoff.  If at some point the cabin loses pressure the oxygen masks would drop from the overhead compartment.  You are to place one on yourself and secure it BEFORE administering aid to anyone else- even children.  It goes against our instincts as mothers (I assume) and thus we need to be reminded on every single flight.  Our instinct is to take care of the little ones first.  But, as my therapist, pointed out, if you fail to put yours on first you could black out and thus not be available to help anyone else and hurting MORE people in the end than if you simply take care of yourself first.  

So I have permission, and an assignment, to notice when I take time to get my oxygen.  To take a breather so I can be present and clear for those I love, which includes ME.  

Just one of the many things I've been pondering lately.  

I'm grateful I have full permission not to feel guilty about it anymore.  

(Obviously taken to extreme would be bad- like if I just totally ignored my responsibilities for some "me" time. A little break doesn't hurt and the laundry will wait.  Not until next week, but for 30 minutes.) 

Brene Brown invites us to 

Graphic from HERE

In her book “The Gifts Of Imperfection,” she suggests that the proper way to DIG Deep (when you’re too bone-tired to get up one more time & do ____ ), get:

• Deliberate in your thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or by simply setting your intentions;
• Inspired to make new and different choices;
• Going. Take action!

Instead of muddling through STOP and take a minute to get your breath, to get your oxygen mask on.  When you've got one more load of laundry or dishes or paperwork or __________ to do and you just can't muster up the Umph to do it, don't "cowboy up" don't "push through".  STOP*  And D.I.G. Deeper to get a breather and be refreshed so you can then go back to what it is that you were meaning to do.  

*I recognize that it is not always prudent or wise to stop what you are doing even if you don't like it sometimes because sometimes things HAVE to be done.  But often we get into this thinking in EVERY aspect of life and forget that we can step back from some things.  

What inspires you?

What refills your soul?

What gives you oxygen?

Square 1

My husband pointed something out to me that I think I was hoping to ignore.  But it hurt and I'm sharing it.  Because I don't want it to become shameful.  (Shame hates being spoken you know.)

If we had kept moving forward when we first found the word "addiction" we would be at a 3 year mark.  I say a 3 year mark not "the" 3 year mark because I don't know what 3 years would mean.  3 years where we still denied it for 2 1/2? Or 3 years with real insight and discovery and HEALING.  In that time we moved 7 hours away, in with inlaws, had a baby, moved out, bought a house (fixxer-upper) back in with the inlaws, out again as we continue to work on our house.  Not to mention day to day life.  3 kids.  Extended family weddings and other gatherings.  Hectic. There's been a lot to distract us from the pain.  And so here we are now.  It hurts to be at square one. To feel like the road is so long ahead and we've only just begun.

I know that every journey begins with a single step.
I know that I can only focus on where I am right now.

But sometimes I look at the road.

I see others ahead of me who have found peace and I am sad because that is NOT where I am right now.  Right now I feel like our relationship has so many ups and downs (because I feel the ups and downs personally I assume that's our relationship too).  We had a good day again the other day where I felt like he was actually hearing what I said.  Like he saw ME, the real me not just the shell.  And now I'm back down.  And feeling like I let myself down.  Three years from now our kids will be 5, 7 and 9.  And for some reason that makes it hard for me to breathe.  Which brings me back to the beginning of this blog when I thought it was all about my healing from depression.  I don't know how much is my trauma and how much is my familiar depression.  Good ol' pal.

I'm trying to do self-care and self-comfort.  But again, that's really hard to do when there are three children looking to me to entertain, feed, clothe, listen to etc.

But I needed to put that out there.  That I feel the weight of weariness looking ahead.  And so I'll leave you with one of my theme songs.  Because it always makes me feel better.

Waiting and Wading

After my drama yesterday of finding things in youtube histories and my shaking anger (so badly that I pulled something out between my shoulder blades and can't turn my head to the left because of a pinched nerve-no one can tell me this doesn't affect me) I sent hubby an email (because a chat for this sort of thing wouldn't be appropriate at work) and we talked when he got home from work.  (More in depth after the kids had gone to bed).  I was SO afraid that he would try to deny it.  At one point he did downplay a bit saying that he didn't remember every incident and the date they happened on (I get that- but don't down play this mister). So we talked and talked and talked (we're like stationary pioneers) I read him the NY times article and that seemed to shed some light on things.  Lots of apologies.  I appreciate apologies and perhaps I'll truly accept them when I see the change.  He's trying. He is trying to be honest with me. Right now I just kind of have to wait.  Because it takes TIME for him to prove that he means what he says.  And because I've been either so deeply burned or burned too many times I'm waiting.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting for the shoe to not exist.  Waiting to see what he chooses to do the next time he is triggered.

I do wonder why I felt like he was an honest guy when we first started dating.  Was he?  Or was I too trusting? What's wrong with me that I would seek him out?  And I really hate that.  I hate that now I have to second guess my whole life with him.  The last 8 years.  8 years full of what ifs. How would I have acted or reacted had I known? Was there anything to know?  Does it matter? It is past.  Over.  Then why am I dealing with it now?!

I don't want you readers to think that I hate my husband.  I don't.  I do hate the lies. And I have been betrayed.  And that is deep.  I want to believe that he's a good guy.  That he really IS the guy that I love.  Right now it's hard to sort out how much is the addiction and how much is him and what that all means.  And it's really hard for me to see through the rage.  I'm so much more angry than I've EVER been.  Which is normal.  (So glad I'm not just crazy.) Thanks to AddoRecovery and some new friends I know that. So it's hard.  I'm also waiting for the anger to pass.  For me to have waded through all of it to the other side.  What's on the other side of the anger pool of muck?  I don't know.  And not knowing is a little scary too.

These things take time.

These things take time, and time....well....where do I buy some of that stuff?  Can't I outsource to India or something?

I feel like this week I pretty much don't get a lot of time to work on recovery.  I love listening to talks and videos about healing and recovery but I can't really do that.  I like to listen because I can do other things (like dishes or laundry) while I listen.  Mind guiding instead of hating the chore I'm working on.  But I can't do that with my sweet 4 year old following me around.  He listens.  He is perceptive.  And much of this is big grownup stuff that he shouldn't have to worry about.

I spent last weekend at The Togetherness Project and it was glorious.  I spent all of Saturday getting in time I needed to connect and gain some insight and validation.  I'll probably write a legit blog post about it later.  Because that's the problem.  Now I'm back to real life.  I have 3 boys, 2, 4 and 6 and they keep me busy (as total strangers like to point out). And my husband and I are in a radio play this week that takes pretty much all the time after dinner (and I have to find a sitter on TOP of all my regular chores and hope the house isn't TOO much of a mess for a sitter).  But I digress.  Slightly.  I want healing and recovery and hope and I want it SO BADLY.  Right now I also want a maid and NAP and a laundry fairy.  But mostly the nap. But not a "Dangit my kid is crying, I wonder if I could catch 5 more minutes.....CRASH! Guess not" kind of nap. One that is actually productive and where I wake up feeling truly rested and ready for my daily battles.

But for now- I'll "make it" through today and then tomorrow and the next day. No rest for the wicked they say.  Ha. Thanks anonymous "they".  I don't feel I did any wicked to deserve no rest but there ya go.

Hopefully I'll find some sanity in the days ahead.  If not, maybe a Dr. Pepper truck could kindly install a tap at the house.

Catch ya on the flipside.


Whenever that is.