My husband pointed something out to me that I think I was hoping to ignore. But it hurt and I'm sharing it. Because I don't want it to become shameful. (Shame hates being spoken you know.)
If we had kept moving forward when we first found the word "addiction" we would be at a 3 year mark. I say a 3 year mark not "the" 3 year mark because I don't know what 3 years would mean. 3 years where we still denied it for 2 1/2? Or 3 years with real insight and discovery and HEALING. In that time we moved 7 hours away, in with inlaws, had a baby, moved out, bought a house (fixxer-upper) back in with the inlaws, out again as we continue to work on our house. Not to mention day to day life. 3 kids. Extended family weddings and other gatherings. Hectic. There's been a lot to distract us from the pain. And so here we are now. It hurts to be at square one. To feel like the road is so long ahead and we've only just begun.
I know that every journey begins with a single step.
I know that I can only focus on where I am right now.
But sometimes I look at the road.
I see others ahead of me who have found peace and I am sad because that is NOT where I am right now. Right now I feel like our relationship has so many ups and downs (because I feel the ups and downs personally I assume that's our relationship too). We had a good day again the other day where I felt like he was actually hearing what I said. Like he saw ME, the real me not just the shell. And now I'm back down. And feeling like I let myself down. Three years from now our kids will be 5, 7 and 9. And for some reason that makes it hard for me to breathe. Which brings me back to the beginning of this blog when I thought it was all about my healing from depression. I don't know how much is my trauma and how much is my familiar depression. Good ol' pal.
I'm trying to do self-care and self-comfort. But again, that's really hard to do when there are three children looking to me to entertain, feed, clothe, listen to etc.
But I needed to put that out there. That I feel the weight of weariness looking ahead. And so I'll leave you with one of my theme songs. Because it always makes me feel better.
Doughty means "marked by fearless resolution". Daffodils are a favorite of mine. Cheery. Bright. Welcoming.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
1 comment:
You are welcome to comment- even anonymously. If you'd like to email me privately feel free to do so: madagaea@gmail.com
Please be respectful of my journey. There are ups and downs and you are free to move on if you don't feel comfortable with the content. Be aware that I will remove any comments that are hurtful or offensive.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
The road ahead always seems harder for me when I look at the road behind. Oh how I wish my husband and I had started 'real' recovery 10 years ago when I first found out my husband looked at porn. So much wasted time. I have to keep reminding (convincing) myself that there is a reason for this. But some days I don't really believe it.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, you are loved. I also love the song "Don't give up" covered by David Archeletta. One line in particular has gotten me through many days. "Don't give up cause you have friends".
(This is where I'd toast all my WoPA friends, if I drank.)
Here's to friends who know exactly what we are going through.