A friend shared this video by the great Brene Brown (Pronounced Bre-nay). SO powerful! And I tell you what, I've got some things to work on. And I love the encouragement I get from this brave warrior. EMPATHY. Not Sympathy. Seriously. I don't even know where to really go with a full response to this video. But watch it. 20 minutes. Turn it on while folding laundry (which I have slated for the ENTIRE day- I hate getting behind on laundry).
I am afraid of telling people my story. My pain. My life. Because I am worried they will Sympathize and not Empathize. That I will be more shamed for my struggles.
But this is me. My pain. My struggles. They are real. And it is a journey of learning and growing (and many mistakes along the way.)
Where does you lied to me turn into you are a liar? Our mistakes do not define us. At least they shouldn't. Blaming? Ooooh. I identify with THAT.
So watch it and email me what you think. Or comment. Or just enjoy.
Doughty means "marked by fearless resolution". Daffodils are a favorite of mine. Cheery. Bright. Welcoming.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
1 comment:
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I love her so much. I've been thinking a lot about shame and vulnerability recently. It's counter-intuitive, but it seems like the people in my life are only shamed by peers UNTIL they tell their stories. If you... well, to pull a recent example from my friends/acquaintances: If you have a baby out of wedlock, people look slantwise about you, engage in speculation and gossip, treat you with distance, etc. But if you have a baby out of wedlock and talk about how you feel about that, your struggles, the decision to keep the baby or adopt, etc., people are much likely to reach out, to share the time they or someone close to them struggled with something similar, and show support and understanding. Sharing the difficult emotional stuff makes people much more likely to view you with compassion and empathy, instead of judgment and cloying sympathy.
ReplyDeleteSo... vulnerability removes the need to protect yourself? Being vulnerable means you ARE less vulnerable?
Obviously not something that can be taken as the gospel truth, because there are always those people who will be jerks regardless, and you've got to protect yourself against them... but still, for the most part, I'm starting to believe being vulnerable may be one of the socially safest things a person can do, even if it means crossing an emotional hurdle.
But then there's the question: Where do you draw the line? Sometimes I just don't WANT to be vulnerable, because that means violating boundaries that make me feel safe and sane. Not sure where to bridge the gap there.
Thought #2: The difference between "You lied and lying isn't okay" to "You are a liar" is a label. If it's a behavior, it can still change. There's still room for evaluation. As soon as the label gets slapped on, it's a lot harder to re-evaluate, perhaps because your brain is designed to solve problems and avoid extra work, and it thinks, "He's a liar. We established that. Why reinvent the wheel?" I wonder how all this would be different if we could just avoid ALL labels. "You viewed at a sexually stimulating pictoral representation of a naked woman" is more distant (and accurate?) than "You looked at porn," which is in turn more distant (and accurate?) than "You are a porn addict."
But maybe the label is a good thing. AA starts with acknowledging "I am an alcoholic," and that label serves as an impetus to change... So maybe labels are much more concrete than statements that describe behavior... and therefore need to be used with more caution but can also be more compelling when it comes time to say "Enough is enough; let's change."
I don't really know. Just puzzling things out.