Take no thought

I did my first phone in PASG (Porn Addiction Support Group) for women last night.  You can find one HERE.  Where I live there is NOT a support group for family or friends of addicts (of any kind-not just pornography).  I was really sad about that when we moved here because the group we had been in previously was so healing and I was sad to see that stop.  So when my husband mentioned that he was going to do the call in group for men and that they had one for women I was grateful.  (And a little standoff-ish because I don't like being told what to do- but he wasn't telling me WHAT to do- just pointing out an option I missed and for that I am grateful.)  It was different, and a little weird.  But it was positive.  And I needed that. 

Yesterday I didn't want to go to church.  Really, there are many Sundays I just don't want to go.  With three kids and cousins that share our pew (I hate "assigned" seating) it is loud and distracting and stressful and hardly the spiritual uplift I need.  The next two hours I'm in Primary and don't feel I get much out of that either (and I recognize that some of that is on me). But I dreaded going.  45 minutes before I was still in my jammies telling my husband I really just didn't want to go.  I should say I didn't want to go with all the noise and confusion.  I wanted my soul to be uplifted and so often I'm busy wiping noses and shushing children (who are speaking quite loud) that I can't hear that "still small voice".  But I went.  Because I had responsibilities.  And I hoped for a glimmer of uplift.  But mostly because there would be more questions if I didn't go.  

I was fasting for myself, for my healing, for hope.  I wanted to block out my life and listen to the Spirit.  Part of the meeting was distracting, some of it was thank-a-monies, and some were sad stories of sad lives.  But to start off the meeting a friend got up and bore a beautiful testimony.  He and his family have had a hard year, to say the least.  He has an undiagnosed health problem that is unpredictable.  Some days he'll fall in the kitchen and his wife will have to help him up.  Others he can run 5 miles.  There's no telling when he wakes up which one it will be.  He hasn't worked this last year which has meant that their finances are in dire straights.  His wife is now doing daycare and they're getting by.  Barely.  With his illness because they don't know what it is, they don't know what that means for how long he'll live or if it'll get worse, or if there is any sort of treatment.  And he started his testimony by saying things are so great. GREAT! Not good, or we have our moments. And he acknowledged that has been the hardest year of their lives and looking forward is likely to be as bad or worse.  But they have each other.  They have the Lord.  They have love.  They are scraping by, by the grace of God and the kindness of others.  I can't really describe it.  I'm not doing it justice.  But just know this; it touched me so deeply.  THAT was exactly what I was looking for.  I really wish I could have gone home on that note.  (And I could have but chose not to.) 

Then the day went by and it was ok.  I was surviving it but not feeling the Spirit like I had hoped.  Then it came time for group.  It wasn't as huge a lift as my friend's testimony, but it was positive, and hopeful and uplifting. Rather than falling into the pain and misery and hopelessness.  I didn't get the quote exactly but someone said, " Let Heavenly Father have the pain of the past and the fear of tomorrow and live in today." And that was what I needed to hear.  I am grateful for the tender mercies that allow me to feel hope when I didn't know I could. This is a path I never would have imagined, but I have found that usually the most beautiful vistas are found after long and weary journeys.  I look forward to that.  

And I will try to remember what my Savior said, "Take no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself." Matthew 6:34