If you need me I'll be over here eating muffins...

Living authentically is HARD. Crazy hard.  

I realized today I've been in numb mode.  

Numb the pain...and the joy. 

In order to get to the joy one must wade through the mire of pain.

At least acknowledge it is there and the muck stinks.

But I don't want to be vulnerable. Not yet. 

Maybe in my small circles of safety.

...maybe.

I've been thinking a lot about people EARNING the right to hear your story.  I want my story to be heard and validated but I don't want to throw it at just any passer-by (like random readers on the internet who I may or may not know in real life...hmm...AWKWARD)

For now I will reflect on the gratitude that I have found a select few.

It's not easy though. 

I'm really wishing for a magic wand or fairy godmother to come in and pack boxes and help me deal with the muck.  Or just deal with it FOR me.  

Too bad I don't believe in fairies. 

(Clap! Clap if you believe!)

Or maybe I just misplaced her phone number. 

 I'm sure I'll find it while I'm packing. 

Meanwhile I'm simply repeating this over and over until it sinks in: 

Ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Our family is relocating this summer. We are all excited about it. I feel like it will be good for our marriage and our family to be on our own.

But change is hard.

It means the house we've been working on with so much heart will be sold.  I hope the next owners will have the heart to keep its charm and continue where we leave off.  But, ultimately, I know that I'm not in charge and once it is not ours, that's it.  That's been hard to grasp. 

The friendships we've made here are valuable and lovely, but those will transform too.  Hopefully they can continue to be a blessing. We will miss them terribly.  

We will spend the summer getting used to new surroundings and new pattern and making new friends. 

A change is as good as a rest...right? 

I have a feeling this one will be. 

I wish the house would order and pack itself.  But it has been therapeutic to see things and decide I don't need them anymore.  I can let go of SO MUCH and still have EVEN MORE left over.  What is left behind isn't cluttered with junk, but made more precious in its singularity.  Sometimes I think of a friend I had in college whose house burned to the ground when she was a Junior or Senior in high school.  I envied her.  She lived life knowing that things are ultimately JUST things and relationships are what truly matter.  I feel a bit like my previous life has been burned to the ground. Luckily, we all made it out alive.  I know now that relationships ARE what matter and that is precisely why we are paring down our material possessions and moving- to show our family that we matter to each other.  

TRAILER HITCH

I wanna buy you a drink
Maybe one for this whole town
I may not have that much
But I don't mind spreading it around
Everybody chasing something
I don't know why they're running
I take my time to the finish line
'Cause we all end up with nothing

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Diamonds, champagne,
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Started my day
Giving away
All of my baseball cards
It felt so good by the afternoon
I gave some guy my car
It ain't about what you're driving
Or about the gold you're piling
The less I have to worry about
The more time I got for smiling

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Champagne, new plane
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Hey, hey

You can stack it up
Pack it up
Tie it with a big, red bow
Get a great, big truck
Back it all up
But you can't take it with you when you go
Can't take it when you go

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Diamonds, champagne, newest of the new planes
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Hey, hey
Hey, hey
Give it away,
Hey, hey
Give it away

Songwriters
BRANDON BUSH, KRISTIAN BUSH, TIM OWENS