A girl with fighting for!

(Thanks Disney- now the song from Mulan is stuck in my head)

I find myself wondering, "Am I worth fighting for?" This seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life.  When I'm low I always wonder the same thing: What's the point? Am *I* worth fighting for?

 I was looking through my journals recently and came across one from a particularly rough year.  My first real boyfriend.  My dad had just remarried and there was a LOT of drama mixed in with that.  Friends that turned into step sibling.  The forcing of a front that says, "We are unified and we are happy." Which I never really bought because I was miserable.  His house never felt safe for me to be who I am without judgement and when I finally put my foot down and chose to live with my mom- hell broke loose.  I learned what a real guilt trip looks like.

I'm afraid of what hell is going to break look when I put my foot down in my marriage.  When I say, "These are my boundaries, and these are the consequences for broken boundaries." And then when I follow through.  Because that scares me.  I've never been very good at it.  I usually give in.  I ride the guilt trip train and regret where it takes me.

And so I'm stuck where I don't want to be and I'm the only one that can get me out of this mess.

And YES! I'm worth fighting for.  HELL YES! Even if I'm the only one fighting.



Which makes me kind of sad to think I'm the only one willing to fight for me.

Fierce emotions

I was looking on Pinterest today for yellow/grey bedroom themes and found this.  It made me sad.  If you can't read it the accent pillow reads, "Fiercely Loyal".  It made me sad to think I don't feel that way in our marriage.  I hope for it but the only fierce things I feel right now are usually sadness or anger.  Maybe it is a goal to strive towards.  But for now I'll allow myself time and space to be sad.