Sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I wish that when we fight we'd scream and yell and GET IT OUT! But we try to be calm and collected and rational (which is hard with emotions).  I like to keep my sailor tendencies in check (as in swearing like a...).

I told my husband that I feel like he's being passive with his blog (pot/kettle maybe?)(and actually I didn't flat out tell him, he read it in my journal) despite it being under his real name because he hasn't told anybody about it.  It feels like he's just waiting for someone he knows to stumble across it and say, "Wow that's hard, let me walk with you while you do this." Instead of him saying, "Hey guys, this is hard.  Will you walk with me while I do this?"  Been there.  Done that.  Done waiting.  So there are people in my real life that know about this blog.  And sometimes I get an email saying, "Hey I read your blog...you ok?"  Here's the thing though.  His recovery is HIS recovery, HIS journey.  I CANNOT dictate what it should or should not look like (though I'd love to).  I recognize that.  Which is precisely why I did not tell him and why I wrote it in my journal.

Should I be the Pot or the Kettle?

I really don't know where I'm going with this.

I am exhausted.

Emotionally drained.  It's been a long week.  Talked to my Stake Relief Society President about pornography and my life and it was lovely.  Healing to be heard.  But draining.  My therapy session yesterday was great.  And also draining.  Next week my husband is leaving town for a week and I'm trying to keep it together.  To not totally wig out.  But I kind of am.  Because the last binge of pornography for him was on a business trip.  Followed by a month of lying.  I'm hoping to meet up with him at the end of the week and we'll do a little family vacation.  But man, I am STRESSED.  He's been doing well lately and I'm grateful for that.  But I still get triggered and freak out.

Today has been a lot of BREATHING and listening to beautiful piano music and thinking, praying, journaling and talking with some friends.

Oxygen Masks

(pic found HERE)

I had a good meeting with my therapist the other day.  We talked about the importance of taking care of myself so I can take care of others.  She likened it to an emergency oxygen mask in an airplane.  If you've never been on an airplane perhaps you can get the gist from a movie or two.  Awesome safety briefing that people barely avidly listen to as the plane taxis for takeoff.  If at some point the cabin loses pressure the oxygen masks would drop from the overhead compartment.  You are to place one on yourself and secure it BEFORE administering aid to anyone else- even children.  It goes against our instincts as mothers (I assume) and thus we need to be reminded on every single flight.  Our instinct is to take care of the little ones first.  But, as my therapist, pointed out, if you fail to put yours on first you could black out and thus not be available to help anyone else and hurting MORE people in the end than if you simply take care of yourself first.  

So I have permission, and an assignment, to notice when I take time to get my oxygen.  To take a breather so I can be present and clear for those I love, which includes ME.  

Just one of the many things I've been pondering lately.  

I'm grateful I have full permission not to feel guilty about it anymore.  

(Obviously taken to extreme would be bad- like if I just totally ignored my responsibilities for some "me" time. A little break doesn't hurt and the laundry will wait.  Not until next week, but for 30 minutes.) 

Brene Brown invites us to 

Graphic from HERE

In her book “The Gifts Of Imperfection,” she suggests that the proper way to DIG Deep (when you’re too bone-tired to get up one more time & do ____ ), get:

• Deliberate in your thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or by simply setting your intentions;
• Inspired to make new and different choices;
• Going. Take action!

Instead of muddling through STOP and take a minute to get your breath, to get your oxygen mask on.  When you've got one more load of laundry or dishes or paperwork or __________ to do and you just can't muster up the Umph to do it, don't "cowboy up" don't "push through".  STOP*  And D.I.G. Deeper to get a breather and be refreshed so you can then go back to what it is that you were meaning to do.  

*I recognize that it is not always prudent or wise to stop what you are doing even if you don't like it sometimes because sometimes things HAVE to be done.  But often we get into this thinking in EVERY aspect of life and forget that we can step back from some things.  

What inspires you?

What refills your soul?

What gives you oxygen?