Sometimes I wish that when we fight we'd scream and yell and GET IT OUT! But we try to be calm and collected and rational (which is hard with emotions). I like to keep my sailor tendencies in check (as in swearing like a...).
I told my husband that I feel like he's being passive with his blog (pot/kettle maybe?)(and actually I didn't flat out tell him, he read it in my journal) despite it being under his real name because he hasn't told anybody about it. It feels like he's just waiting for someone he knows to stumble across it and say, "Wow that's hard, let me walk with you while you do this." Instead of him saying, "Hey guys, this is hard. Will you walk with me while I do this?" Been there. Done that. Done waiting. So there are people in my real life that know about this blog. And sometimes I get an email saying, "Hey I read your blog...you ok?" Here's the thing though. His recovery is HIS recovery, HIS journey. I CANNOT dictate what it should or should not look like (though I'd love to). I recognize that. Which is precisely why I did not tell him and why I wrote it in my journal.
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| Should I be the Pot or the Kettle? |
I really don't know where I'm going with this.
I am exhausted.
Emotionally drained. It's been a long week. Talked to my Stake Relief Society President about pornography and my life and it was lovely. Healing to be heard. But draining. My therapy session yesterday was great. And also draining. Next week my husband is leaving town for a week and I'm trying to keep it together. To not totally wig out. But I kind of am. Because the last binge of pornography for him was on a business trip. Followed by a month of lying. I'm hoping to meet up with him at the end of the week and we'll do a little family vacation. But man, I am STRESSED. He's been doing well lately and I'm grateful for that. But I still get triggered and freak out.
Today has been a lot of BREATHING and listening to beautiful piano music and thinking, praying, journaling and talking with some friends.
Keep strong!!
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