Laugh attack

I don't know how a person could NOT smile while watching grown men lose it in a press conference.

Cracked me up.


And some days ya just need a little pick-me-up.

Odds Are

HEALING

is my Word for the year.  My goal if you will.  My "New Year's Resolution".  And who blogs about THOSE halfway through February anyway? ME!

I am taking a different approach to goals this year.  There's a lot of leeway- which I need because I have a tendency to beat myself up over things not completely checked off my list.  So I'm not making a list.  Just going with a theme.

And February's Theme is MUSIC.

I love music.

I miss music.

I think my kids miss it too.

So in my quest for more music in my life, healing music, music that speaks to me, I found Barenaked Ladies again yesterday.  Ironic.  I love them.  Thoughtful.  Clever.  And always a good time for BNL.

I thought I'd share this one because it is SO great.

I'm dedicating this old school style (like when you'd call into the radio and dedicate a song to your bestie and giggle):
To my Sisters, my friends, my WoPAs and to my dear husband.  It's been a rough couple of days.  But I do believe in the odds.  Just depends on how you look at it.  (All stats are that way...)

Give it Back to You

Wishful thinking.

I do love live music.

I also love BNL.  And this song.

Let me know what you think.


Here are the Lyrics if you're interested:
"Give It Back To You"

[Chorus:]
I don't care how long it takes,
I will atone for my mistakes,
I will hold your heart when it breaks,
And give it back to you,
I'll give it back to you.

[Verse 1:]
Out of everyone,
I should have known how,
Knots can come undone,
I should grown but,
I was on the run,
And the walls were crumbling,
And I was tumbling.

[Verse 2:]
Should have just fell down,
Instead of making,
Such a hole in the ground,
There's no mistaking,
I will wear the crown,
I'm the lord and master,
Of this disaster.

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
Anyone can walk on water,
Just before they drown,
Anyone can talk but they got 
their story upside-down.

[Verse 3:]
Dust coats the floor,
With every move we,
Seem to find more.
I'm out to prove that,
What we're working for,
Is worth defending,
And all this mending.

[Chorus]

I'll give it back to you,
I'll give it back to you,
I'll give it back to you.

Sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I wish that when we fight we'd scream and yell and GET IT OUT! But we try to be calm and collected and rational (which is hard with emotions).  I like to keep my sailor tendencies in check (as in swearing like a...).

I told my husband that I feel like he's being passive with his blog (pot/kettle maybe?)(and actually I didn't flat out tell him, he read it in my journal) despite it being under his real name because he hasn't told anybody about it.  It feels like he's just waiting for someone he knows to stumble across it and say, "Wow that's hard, let me walk with you while you do this." Instead of him saying, "Hey guys, this is hard.  Will you walk with me while I do this?"  Been there.  Done that.  Done waiting.  So there are people in my real life that know about this blog.  And sometimes I get an email saying, "Hey I read your blog...you ok?"  Here's the thing though.  His recovery is HIS recovery, HIS journey.  I CANNOT dictate what it should or should not look like (though I'd love to).  I recognize that.  Which is precisely why I did not tell him and why I wrote it in my journal.

Should I be the Pot or the Kettle?

I really don't know where I'm going with this.

I am exhausted.

Emotionally drained.  It's been a long week.  Talked to my Stake Relief Society President about pornography and my life and it was lovely.  Healing to be heard.  But draining.  My therapy session yesterday was great.  And also draining.  Next week my husband is leaving town for a week and I'm trying to keep it together.  To not totally wig out.  But I kind of am.  Because the last binge of pornography for him was on a business trip.  Followed by a month of lying.  I'm hoping to meet up with him at the end of the week and we'll do a little family vacation.  But man, I am STRESSED.  He's been doing well lately and I'm grateful for that.  But I still get triggered and freak out.

Today has been a lot of BREATHING and listening to beautiful piano music and thinking, praying, journaling and talking with some friends.

Oxygen Masks

(pic found HERE)

I had a good meeting with my therapist the other day.  We talked about the importance of taking care of myself so I can take care of others.  She likened it to an emergency oxygen mask in an airplane.  If you've never been on an airplane perhaps you can get the gist from a movie or two.  Awesome safety briefing that people barely avidly listen to as the plane taxis for takeoff.  If at some point the cabin loses pressure the oxygen masks would drop from the overhead compartment.  You are to place one on yourself and secure it BEFORE administering aid to anyone else- even children.  It goes against our instincts as mothers (I assume) and thus we need to be reminded on every single flight.  Our instinct is to take care of the little ones first.  But, as my therapist, pointed out, if you fail to put yours on first you could black out and thus not be available to help anyone else and hurting MORE people in the end than if you simply take care of yourself first.  

So I have permission, and an assignment, to notice when I take time to get my oxygen.  To take a breather so I can be present and clear for those I love, which includes ME.  

Just one of the many things I've been pondering lately.  

I'm grateful I have full permission not to feel guilty about it anymore.  

(Obviously taken to extreme would be bad- like if I just totally ignored my responsibilities for some "me" time. A little break doesn't hurt and the laundry will wait.  Not until next week, but for 30 minutes.) 

Brene Brown invites us to 

Graphic from HERE

In her book “The Gifts Of Imperfection,” she suggests that the proper way to DIG Deep (when you’re too bone-tired to get up one more time & do ____ ), get:

• Deliberate in your thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or by simply setting your intentions;
• Inspired to make new and different choices;
• Going. Take action!

Instead of muddling through STOP and take a minute to get your breath, to get your oxygen mask on.  When you've got one more load of laundry or dishes or paperwork or __________ to do and you just can't muster up the Umph to do it, don't "cowboy up" don't "push through".  STOP*  And D.I.G. Deeper to get a breather and be refreshed so you can then go back to what it is that you were meaning to do.  

*I recognize that it is not always prudent or wise to stop what you are doing even if you don't like it sometimes because sometimes things HAVE to be done.  But often we get into this thinking in EVERY aspect of life and forget that we can step back from some things.  

What inspires you?

What refills your soul?

What gives you oxygen?

Huff Puff

I'm really looking forward to meeting with my therapist tomorrow.  (Never thought I'd say that.)  I haven't made as much progress this week as I would have liked but I'm still here.  I'm still trying.  That counts.  I can't weed out all the dandelions in one go.

I'm also looking forward to my Mom's visit for Christmas.  Remember when I was scared?  It's still new and new is often scary.  But the genuine love and concern from my Mom is a life jacket when I'm lost at sea.

I still want to run. I still want to hide.  Wish the pain away instead of leaning into it.  I've tried it.  Doesn't work so well.  I end up crumpled in front of the fireplace waiting for a miracle.

I do see miracles all around me.

I am blessed beyond my capacity to truly comprehend.

And yet.

I yearn for something more.  I know in the 12 step groups one of the biggest things is letting things go.  Letting Go and Letting God.  Recognizing what I can control and what I cannot. I find that it is easy to say and very hard to do.  If I let go what if I get hurt again?

To which I hear Wolf from The 10th Kingdom say, "Well, maybe you won't get hurt. But, huff-puff, you won't get loved either."

It's been a long day.  And I am grateful, SO grateful, for new friends I have found along this way.
Sorry there's not much more to the post.  I don't have much to offer at the moment.
This is my reality.

Still Here

I'm still here.


Which is what I keep telling my husband too. We've had a lot of rough days/nights.  I told him that I have indeed thought about leaving at some point. He asked me after reading some blog posts of other WoPAs who have left or considered leaving.  But that point is not today and not anytime soon unless his behavior says my family/I is/am not safe.  So far so good. Mostly.  He had a slip recently, meaning he gave into addictive behavior but hasn't given up recovery.  It's been a rough week since then.

We have been taking stock of where we are, evaluating progress.  He feels like we are making progress individually but not together as a marriage.  I somewhat agree with that.  I think I have made progress. I can set boundaries and stick to them and feel safe thus feeling empowered in my ability to trust myself.   I have been to a therapist that I have hope can help me in a broader sense.  I think he has made progress.  He is SO much more willing to even look at his emotions and let them out.  It's hard.  He hasn't done it before.  And now he's got a lifetime of emotions to work through.  Some harder than others. He has proven he can do hard things too.  Our marriage relationship is kind of just sitting there waiting for both of us to work some stuff out.

And I'm still here.

I haven't gone anywhere.
I might lock myself in the bedroom sometimes.
But I'm here.
And I'm working.
And I think I'm healing and waiting and loving my dear husband from where I am.  Which is not as close as I'd like. But I don't believe it'll be this way forever.  And that gives me hope.