Don't Should Yourself
I've been doing a LOT of thought mapping and labeling lately. Turns out I "should" myself ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME!
I wrote in my journal for a while this morning and wrote page after page of "shoulds" I put on myself. These requirements are not realistic and yet I let them rule my life. They are difficult to diffuse but I'm working on it.
The biggest overarching theme that I see is that "This shouldn't be my life."
Well guess what? It is.
I do NOT live the fairy tale I thought I would have.
Yes, I have a myriad of things that I am grateful for and are wonderful in my life.
But I am still coming to terms with what this means.
I don't have to let all the MUCK be what defines me, what defines MY LIFE.
I don't have to let all the MUCK be what defines me, what defines MY LIFE.
YOLO
Carpe Diem Millenial Style. (You Only Live Once)
And I WANT to live LOUD. I want to live free of fear and "should".
I'm not there yet- but I'm working on it. Here's a good reminder:
I'm not there yet- but I'm working on it. Here's a good reminder:
It's My Life
This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud
It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life
This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow’s getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain’t even lucky
Got to make your own breaks
It’s my life
And it’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
'Cause it's my life
Better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down
It’s my life
And it’s now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
It’s my life
And it’s now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
'Cause it's my life!
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud
It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life
This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow’s getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain’t even lucky
Got to make your own breaks
It’s my life
And it’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
'Cause it's my life
Better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down
It’s my life
And it’s now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
It’s my life
And it’s now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
'Cause it's my life!
This post is so much of how I have been feeling as well. I'm middle aged and still don't "think" this should have been my life or my journey. I have struggled to stay active in the church though, and for a time blamed God because my own mother, family and bishops made my journey harder not more safe or easier. I am finally turning to God, more, again. Learning to trust HIM and being more at peace. In my journey I have come to the realization, at least for me, that this was probably the only way I would really learn what I need to learn. Our Savior made the ultimate sacrifice for us. Not just for the sins we committed but for the ones committed against us. Those, in my life, have been harder to forgive for, when I learned of the extent of my husbands lies, affairs and betrayal. The hardest part of my forgiveness has been for all the other women, besides my husband. It was so personal to me. Several knew me and I just couldn't understand, and still don't but I finally realized if I want my Father in Heaven to be forgiving of my sins, I need to learn to forgive these women of theirs towards me. I am learning so much more about the atonement and just how incredibly meaningful it HAS TO BECOME IN OUR LIVES!
ReplyDeleteQuote from "The Infinite Atonement" by Tad R. McAllister
"The atonement of Jesus Christ outweighs, surpasses, and transcends every other mortal event, every new discovery, and every acquisition of knowledge, for without the atonement all else in life is meaningless." Wow! That statement spoke volumes to me when I read that last night. Just what I needed to hear, and realize how little I really use the atonement.
By his grace we can all be saved, REALLY! All we have to do is quit beating ourselves up with "shoulds", just do our best and give it to Him and let the atonement work! I've said many times to my husband lately that I've felt Satan is always 10 steps ahead of me, influencing others in my life and almost taking away my free agency to chose in some situations. Sounds weird, but it really has felt that way lately. I've come to realize more and more that Heavenly Father can't intervene as often as we would want. He has to allow EVERYONE their free agency.....always! It has been a good reminder for me. At first it was hard I wanted to be more judgemental, but it has helped me to see My Father in Heaven as more loving.( I hope I'm making sense here.)
I have so enjoyed the music here, on your blog. This song is perfect for me right now! Music has been one of the few ways I feel spiritually connected. I am sorry for your struggles. This isn't an easy challenge for those of us on this journey. I would not have chosen it for myself, that's for sure. I am grateful, incredibly sad too, but grateful to know none of us are alone. There are many of us and your bravery to have a blog can help heal you and others. I was alone in this for almost 32 years. I am SO GRATEFUL FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T HAVE TO EXPERIENCE IT ALONE FOR THAT LONG!
Good luck and know that I am cheering for you! ( and for all of us) WE ONLY LIVE ONCE!
I just re read my comments. I hope the part where I said "all we have to do is quit beating ourselves up with "shoulds", just do our best and give it to Him and allow the atonement to work!" I do know it's so much easier said than done and by no means was trivializing the process. I hope that didn't come across as insensitive. The last thing I mean to do is to be insensitive.
ReplyDeleteI didn't read it as insensitive at all but I appreciate your clarification :)
DeleteI just love this. Love. Live free and embrace this life that is instead of wishing for something that just... isn't.
ReplyDeleteI should myself all the time. This is not supposed to be my life. When I prayed to figure out whether or not to marry Ben, and I had this really powerful experience that he is who I should marry, my life was not supposed to turn upside down six months into marriage because of porn. I was not supposed to keep finding lies and learning that everything I thought was truth (even when I was "in the know") was not truth.
ReplyDeleteI should not be so depressed.
I should fold all the laundry today.
I should unpack from my Arkansas trip.
I should do the dishes.
But actually, I'm going to work on my talk for Sunday (I was not too thrilled to receive the topic the work of salvation, but holy crap. I'm glad I got that topic).
And then I'm going to watch Veronica Mars for the rest of the day. And eat ice cream. Take THAT chores!
I love you so much. I'm sorry for all the things you are going through :( We need a community for our warriors.