Pain in the deep

Loved ones are hurting tonight.

Because my husband and I have left the faith we were raised with. There is a lot of fear and misunderstanding.  Time will heal things.  And more hard conversations will help.  I wish I could ease the pain.  I know that at the beginning of everything for me I was overwhelmed and felt like I was drowning and nobody cared or understood.

There were a few who were patient and told me it would be ok in the end, however things ended up.  I didn't believe it.  So they told me again.  Then I started to have hope.  That I COULD survive.  And even enjoy life again.  But it wasn't overnight.  It wasn't in an instant.  It is only now, looking back, that I can see that I wasn't dying.  I was growing fins.

And now with all the raw emotions I'm going to take Glennon's advice: 

Buy it HERE

And finally this: 

Which you can also buy HERE

Gonna Blow!

Anger.

Apparently I have a lot of it.

I'm not totally sure how to diffuse it or deal with it appropriately.

I get angry at DH a lot. I feel I am almost always on the defensive.  Based out of fear.  Fear that I won't speak up. Fear that boundaries will be crossed. Fear that my BODY is the only thing desired.

See this:

photo from :HERE

 
Beautiful. Stunning.

Dangerous.

This is Mount Vesuvius in Italy.  You know, the one that blew and scorched Pompeii into stone mummies.

It feels like the anger is bubbling just under the surface.  Sadly if it blows I'm afraid it'll be like Pompeii and things will not survive.  Like our relationship.

But what kind of relationship is it if it is not wholly authentic and allowed to exist with ALL information?

Having other people here to witness my mess is embarrassing.

WHY DO I CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?

WHY AM I SO DAMN AFRAID OF BEING ANGRY!!

Going Private

First Private Entry

I set the blog to private; only *I* can read what is on the blog currently (and the server guys at google or blogger or whatever).  I'm hoping this will help me focus what I want and need out of this space.

Space. 

That's part of it.  A small corner of the universe/web-o-sphere that is mine.  

But I don't feel total freedom because I don't have access to type as needed.  That is frustrating.


***Edited to Add: I am moving it back to Public for the time being.  I have friends that perhaps this could benefit.  If I start feeling unsafe I'll move it back to private or password protected.***