To be real

I want to be true to my human side. I want to SHOW my pain and my scars. I don't want to wear the mask anymore.

Thanks Kilee for sharing.

Human
Christina Perri

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want

Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask

Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human, yeah

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need

Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human, yeah

I'm only human
I'm only human

Just a little human

I can take so much
Until I've had enough

'Cause I'm only human

And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human, yeah

Stalled

I'm hitting a block right now and not so sure how to go about getting around it.  I kind of want to avoid it but have this fear that if I do I'll end up crashing.  Like when an airplane stalls- you have to do SOMETHING or you'll crash.  

In looking for a picture for the blog I came across this article about EXPLORING the Stall. I found a couple of things particularly interesting.

A stall is a normal reaction of a plane based on wing something or other.  He explained it "In training, I sometimes use the metaphor of ice formation: water freezes, under normal conditions, at 0º C. At 0.1º C, water is not frozen. It is the same with the stall. Below the critical angle of attack, the wing is not stalled. Above the critical angle, the wing stalls."

It's normal. It happens. Good to know.

With any aircraft, however, it is very important to know well the symptoms of an approaching stall so we can make positive decisions on how to proceed. ...

It’s like knowing, in the dark, where the edge of the stairs are at home. If you know exactly where the edge is you can approach it with confidence; if you are unsure, you may well step over by mistake and find yourself in deep, deep trouble.

I'm learning my own symptoms of my stalls: trying to keep busy- distract my mind, irritation, physical avoidance (I can NOT think while being touched by anyone), preoccupation with what is bothering me yet not wanting to deal with it (Denial!) 

Practicing stalls so you can learn, understand and know the stall characteristics of your aircraft will give you a sense of control and security. You will know where the edge is and will be able to approach it with confidence. You will know the symptoms of the approaching stall and know how and when to modify your inputs to either produce or avoid the stall as required.

Your landings will improve, your flying will improve and your sense of your own knowledge and skills will boost your confidence.

All things I want more of right now. 

The basic stall is a simple yet elegant and important procedure. If you’re not completely comfortable with stalls, now is an excellent time to find whatever assistance you may need to develop a positive relationship with the maneuver You’ll be glad you did.

So what do I do if I'm mid-stall and haven't practiced?  

Time for a Time Out?  Hmm... 

Laugh attack

I don't know how a person could NOT smile while watching grown men lose it in a press conference.

Cracked me up.


And some days ya just need a little pick-me-up.

Odds Are

HEALING

is my Word for the year.  My goal if you will.  My "New Year's Resolution".  And who blogs about THOSE halfway through February anyway? ME!

I am taking a different approach to goals this year.  There's a lot of leeway- which I need because I have a tendency to beat myself up over things not completely checked off my list.  So I'm not making a list.  Just going with a theme.

And February's Theme is MUSIC.

I love music.

I miss music.

I think my kids miss it too.

So in my quest for more music in my life, healing music, music that speaks to me, I found Barenaked Ladies again yesterday.  Ironic.  I love them.  Thoughtful.  Clever.  And always a good time for BNL.

I thought I'd share this one because it is SO great.

I'm dedicating this old school style (like when you'd call into the radio and dedicate a song to your bestie and giggle):
To my Sisters, my friends, my WoPAs and to my dear husband.  It's been a rough couple of days.  But I do believe in the odds.  Just depends on how you look at it.  (All stats are that way...)

Give it Back to You

Wishful thinking.

I do love live music.

I also love BNL.  And this song.

Let me know what you think.


Here are the Lyrics if you're interested:
"Give It Back To You"

[Chorus:]
I don't care how long it takes,
I will atone for my mistakes,
I will hold your heart when it breaks,
And give it back to you,
I'll give it back to you.

[Verse 1:]
Out of everyone,
I should have known how,
Knots can come undone,
I should grown but,
I was on the run,
And the walls were crumbling,
And I was tumbling.

[Verse 2:]
Should have just fell down,
Instead of making,
Such a hole in the ground,
There's no mistaking,
I will wear the crown,
I'm the lord and master,
Of this disaster.

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
Anyone can walk on water,
Just before they drown,
Anyone can talk but they got 
their story upside-down.

[Verse 3:]
Dust coats the floor,
With every move we,
Seem to find more.
I'm out to prove that,
What we're working for,
Is worth defending,
And all this mending.

[Chorus]

I'll give it back to you,
I'll give it back to you,
I'll give it back to you.

Sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I wish that when we fight we'd scream and yell and GET IT OUT! But we try to be calm and collected and rational (which is hard with emotions).  I like to keep my sailor tendencies in check (as in swearing like a...).

I told my husband that I feel like he's being passive with his blog (pot/kettle maybe?)(and actually I didn't flat out tell him, he read it in my journal) despite it being under his real name because he hasn't told anybody about it.  It feels like he's just waiting for someone he knows to stumble across it and say, "Wow that's hard, let me walk with you while you do this." Instead of him saying, "Hey guys, this is hard.  Will you walk with me while I do this?"  Been there.  Done that.  Done waiting.  So there are people in my real life that know about this blog.  And sometimes I get an email saying, "Hey I read your blog...you ok?"  Here's the thing though.  His recovery is HIS recovery, HIS journey.  I CANNOT dictate what it should or should not look like (though I'd love to).  I recognize that.  Which is precisely why I did not tell him and why I wrote it in my journal.

Should I be the Pot or the Kettle?

I really don't know where I'm going with this.

I am exhausted.

Emotionally drained.  It's been a long week.  Talked to my Stake Relief Society President about pornography and my life and it was lovely.  Healing to be heard.  But draining.  My therapy session yesterday was great.  And also draining.  Next week my husband is leaving town for a week and I'm trying to keep it together.  To not totally wig out.  But I kind of am.  Because the last binge of pornography for him was on a business trip.  Followed by a month of lying.  I'm hoping to meet up with him at the end of the week and we'll do a little family vacation.  But man, I am STRESSED.  He's been doing well lately and I'm grateful for that.  But I still get triggered and freak out.

Today has been a lot of BREATHING and listening to beautiful piano music and thinking, praying, journaling and talking with some friends.

Oxygen Masks

(pic found HERE)

I had a good meeting with my therapist the other day.  We talked about the importance of taking care of myself so I can take care of others.  She likened it to an emergency oxygen mask in an airplane.  If you've never been on an airplane perhaps you can get the gist from a movie or two.  Awesome safety briefing that people barely avidly listen to as the plane taxis for takeoff.  If at some point the cabin loses pressure the oxygen masks would drop from the overhead compartment.  You are to place one on yourself and secure it BEFORE administering aid to anyone else- even children.  It goes against our instincts as mothers (I assume) and thus we need to be reminded on every single flight.  Our instinct is to take care of the little ones first.  But, as my therapist, pointed out, if you fail to put yours on first you could black out and thus not be available to help anyone else and hurting MORE people in the end than if you simply take care of yourself first.  

So I have permission, and an assignment, to notice when I take time to get my oxygen.  To take a breather so I can be present and clear for those I love, which includes ME.  

Just one of the many things I've been pondering lately.  

I'm grateful I have full permission not to feel guilty about it anymore.  

(Obviously taken to extreme would be bad- like if I just totally ignored my responsibilities for some "me" time. A little break doesn't hurt and the laundry will wait.  Not until next week, but for 30 minutes.) 

Brene Brown invites us to 

Graphic from HERE

In her book “The Gifts Of Imperfection,” she suggests that the proper way to DIG Deep (when you’re too bone-tired to get up one more time & do ____ ), get:

• Deliberate in your thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or by simply setting your intentions;
• Inspired to make new and different choices;
• Going. Take action!

Instead of muddling through STOP and take a minute to get your breath, to get your oxygen mask on.  When you've got one more load of laundry or dishes or paperwork or __________ to do and you just can't muster up the Umph to do it, don't "cowboy up" don't "push through".  STOP*  And D.I.G. Deeper to get a breather and be refreshed so you can then go back to what it is that you were meaning to do.  

*I recognize that it is not always prudent or wise to stop what you are doing even if you don't like it sometimes because sometimes things HAVE to be done.  But often we get into this thinking in EVERY aspect of life and forget that we can step back from some things.  

What inspires you?

What refills your soul?

What gives you oxygen?