Don't *should* yourself

Don't Should Yourself

I've been doing a LOT of thought mapping and labeling lately.  Turns out I "should" myself ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME! 

I wrote in my journal for a while this morning and wrote page after page of "shoulds" I put on myself.  These requirements are not realistic and yet I let them rule my life.  They are difficult to diffuse but I'm working on it.  

The biggest overarching theme that I see is that "This shouldn't be my life."  

Well guess what? It is. 

I do NOT live the fairy tale I thought I would have. 

Yes, I have a myriad of things that I am grateful for and are wonderful in my life.  

But I am still coming to terms with what this means.

I don't have to let all the MUCK be what defines me, what defines MY LIFE.

YOLO

Carpe Diem Millenial Style.  (You Only Live Once)

And I WANT to live LOUD. I want to live free of fear and "should".

I'm not there yet- but I'm working on it.  Here's a good reminder: 

It's My Life

This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow’s getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain’t even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

It’s my life
And it’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down

It’s my life
And it’s now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive

It’s my life
And it’s now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I’m alive
'Cause it's my life!

Keep Thou My Feet

A Sunday morning of pondering.

I woke up early and couldn't calm my mind.

So I went for a walk in the dawn.  It was beautiful and calming.  But coming home my mind was still unsettled.

And I keep thinking of this song.

So I'll share it with you.  I have always loved this song.

"Keep thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me."

I DO want to see the distant scene.  But for now I will trust in the NEXT right thing.

I have many friends whose hearts are hurting right now.  My heart is unsettled.  Trying to find my way in this life that is turning out different than I imagined.

I have to remind myself that different doesn't equal bad.

And to trust is My God.


 

Lyrics

1. 1. Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom;
   Lead thou me on!
   The night is dark, and I am far from home;
   Lead thou me on!
   Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
   The distant scene--one step enough for me.
2. 2. I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou
   Shouldst lead me on.
   I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
   Lead thou me on!
   I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
   Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.
3. 3. So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still
   Will lead me on
   O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
   The night is gone.
   And with the morn those angel faces smile,
   Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!
4. Text: John Henry Newman, 1801-1890
   Music: John B. Dykes, 1823-1876

Just Be Held

Found this song tonight.

I need it.

I'm so tired.

Tired of the mess, physically and emotionally.

I just want to be held.

Lyrics

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
Theres freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when youre on your knees and answers seem so far away
Youre not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
Im on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
Youll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
Youll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, youll understand
Im painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where youll find Me
And where you are, Ill hold your heart
Ill hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go

Enough Already!

And YOU are too! 

I was listening to Brene Brown's Daring Greatly this morning while I was cleaning the bathroom and something struck a chord with me.  I've heard it before but I had to stop and write it down on my dry-erase board in the dining room.  "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone. I am ENOUGH." The bathroom didn't get spotless.  The worst was cleaned and then I got distracted with other mothering duties.  And you know what? That's ok.  I'm enough.  

And you are too.

Gold

You were walking on the moon, now you're feeling low oh oh....

What they said wasn't true, you're beautiful...

Sticks and stones break your bones, I know what you're feeling

Words like those, won't steal your glow, you're one in a million

This is for all the girls, boys all over the world

Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold

So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine

From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold

(Gold, gold, oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

You're worth more than gold

(Gold, gold, oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

Well everybody keeps score, afraid you're gonna lose

Just ignore, they don't know the real you

All the rain in the sky, can't put out your fire

out of all the stars out tonight, you shine brighter!

This is for all the girls, boys all over the world

Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold

So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine

From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold

(Gold gold, oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

You're worth more than gold

(Gold gold oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

So don't let anybody tell you that you're not loved

And don't let anybody tell you that you're not enough

Yeah there are days when we all feel like we're messed up

But the truth is that we're all diamonds in the rough

So don't be ashamed to wear your crown

You're a king you're a queen inside and out

You glow like the moon, you shine like the stars

This is for you, wherever you - are.....

Yeah..... yeah, eh, yeah

You're gold

this is for all the girls, boys all over the world

Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold

(So hold your head) So hold your head up high,

It's your time to shine

From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold

(Gold gold, oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

You're worth more than gold

(Gold gold oh yeah yeah Gold, gold)

So don't be ashamed to wear your crown

You're a king you're a queen inside and out...

Songwriters

Muckala, Daniel John / Nicole, Britt / Cates, Jess Clayton

Read more: Britt Nicole - Gold Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

My heart is heavy with many worries and burdens.  They may not always be worries or burdens but right now they are.  I feel weighed down.  I feel unrest.

My husband's journey is his own but it affects mine greatly.  I'm trying to figure out what all of that means.  It's difficult to sort.  It hurts to think about.  It's extremely exhausting.

There were tidbits of answers to prayers.

To know I'm not forgotten.

To salve my wounded heart.

This song came to mind for a friend this morning and has remained with me all day.  Looks like I needed it too.

The song begins at :35 seconds. The BYU women's choir sang this in honor of a soldier killed in the line of duty.

I know not everyone is into choral music.  But there is something about these women, these sisters joining together to ask "is there no balm in Gilead?" that touches my heart.

Maybe it will touch yours too.


Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.


Text: Emma Lou Thayne, b. 1924. (c) 1973 IRI
Music: Joleen G. Meredith, b. 1935. (c) 1973 IRI

Roar

ROAR!!! 

I love this song.  (Not a fan of Katy's music video- video killed the radio star.) But THIS version- ROCKS! I picture it every time I hear this song and it lifts me. 


[Verse 1]
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

[Pre-Chorus]
You held me down, but I got up (hey)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up
Get ready cause I had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar

[Post-Chorus]
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh (x3)
You’re gonna hear me roar

[Verse 2]
Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

Anniversary

It's been a year.

Maybe that's part of why I'm feeling emotional.

(Of course it could be hormones, or the full moon, or the fact that my mom left today...)

One year (and a few days) I found out that I had been lied to.

Again.



In that year I have spiralled deeper into myself, started counseling and meds, found warrior sisters, told my story, gone to camp, journaled, cried, opened my heart, been brave, apologized, trusted, (been hurt- but who hasn't), questioned, listened, been kind to myself, connected, disconnected, learned (oh my goodness the learning!), taught, held hands, reached out, asked for help and so many other things.

It's been a long year.

A long journey.

There are more long moments and years ahead.

But I am PROUD of where I am today and I have HOPE that the future is also moving in the right direction.