If you need me I'll be over here eating muffins...

Living authentically is HARD. Crazy hard.  

I realized today I've been in numb mode.  

Numb the pain...and the joy. 

In order to get to the joy one must wade through the mire of pain.

At least acknowledge it is there and the muck stinks.

But I don't want to be vulnerable. Not yet. 

Maybe in my small circles of safety.

...maybe.

I've been thinking a lot about people EARNING the right to hear your story.  I want my story to be heard and validated but I don't want to throw it at just any passer-by (like random readers on the internet who I may or may not know in real life...hmm...AWKWARD)

For now I will reflect on the gratitude that I have found a select few.

It's not easy though. 

I'm really wishing for a magic wand or fairy godmother to come in and pack boxes and help me deal with the muck.  Or just deal with it FOR me.  

Too bad I don't believe in fairies. 

(Clap! Clap if you believe!)

Or maybe I just misplaced her phone number. 

 I'm sure I'll find it while I'm packing. 

Meanwhile I'm simply repeating this over and over until it sinks in: 

Ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Our family is relocating this summer. We are all excited about it. I feel like it will be good for our marriage and our family to be on our own.

But change is hard.

It means the house we've been working on with so much heart will be sold.  I hope the next owners will have the heart to keep its charm and continue where we leave off.  But, ultimately, I know that I'm not in charge and once it is not ours, that's it.  That's been hard to grasp. 

The friendships we've made here are valuable and lovely, but those will transform too.  Hopefully they can continue to be a blessing. We will miss them terribly.  

We will spend the summer getting used to new surroundings and new pattern and making new friends. 

A change is as good as a rest...right? 

I have a feeling this one will be. 

I wish the house would order and pack itself.  But it has been therapeutic to see things and decide I don't need them anymore.  I can let go of SO MUCH and still have EVEN MORE left over.  What is left behind isn't cluttered with junk, but made more precious in its singularity.  Sometimes I think of a friend I had in college whose house burned to the ground when she was a Junior or Senior in high school.  I envied her.  She lived life knowing that things are ultimately JUST things and relationships are what truly matter.  I feel a bit like my previous life has been burned to the ground. Luckily, we all made it out alive.  I know now that relationships ARE what matter and that is precisely why we are paring down our material possessions and moving- to show our family that we matter to each other.  

TRAILER HITCH

I wanna buy you a drink
Maybe one for this whole town
I may not have that much
But I don't mind spreading it around
Everybody chasing something
I don't know why they're running
I take my time to the finish line
'Cause we all end up with nothing

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Diamonds, champagne,
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Started my day
Giving away
All of my baseball cards
It felt so good by the afternoon
I gave some guy my car
It ain't about what you're driving
Or about the gold you're piling
The less I have to worry about
The more time I got for smiling

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Champagne, new plane
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Hey, hey

You can stack it up
Pack it up
Tie it with a big, red bow
Get a great, big truck
Back it all up
But you can't take it with you when you go
Can't take it when you go

I don't know why, know why
Everybody wanna die rich
Diamonds, champagne, newest of the new planes
Work your way down that list.
We try, everybody tries
Tries to fit into that ditch
You can't take it with you when you go
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch
Never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch

Hey, hey
Hey, hey
Give it away,
Hey, hey
Give it away

Songwriters
BRANDON BUSH, KRISTIAN BUSH, TIM OWENS

Improbable Moments of Grace

"Here is what happened next.
     America went to war in Iraq, and my pastor, Veronica, gave a brilliant sermon about how, with the war raging in the Middle East, now was not the time to figure everything out, like who was to blame or whom we would vote for. It was not the time to get a new plan together and try to push it on through. It was time to be still, to get centered, to trust what we've always trusted in: friendship, kindness, helping the poor, feeding the hungry. So, having felt scattered for much of the past two years, I took Veronica's words to heart, and began to get quiet whenever possible, to go for longer walks on the mountain, to sit in beggy prayer and fretful meditation. My mind kept thinking its harsh thoughts, but I'd distract myself from them gently and say, "Those are not the truth, those are not trustworthy, those are for entertainment purposed only." 

~Anne Lamott in Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace

I've been in an odd place lately but I think this^ is what I have intuitively been doing.  Multiple friends have noted to me that I've gone radio silent on Social Media lately.  And I have.  Partly because I've been busy living.  And partly because I didn't feel I had anything significant to contribute so I didn't mind sitting back.  

Big changes are ahead and I feel the fear and excitement of it all.  

Not a lot has changed externally yet, but internally, I've been gutted and rewired and insulated.  (Many hours of therapy and meditating and pondering and working through stuff.) So. Much. Work. Just like our house that we bought.  It was falling down.  There were carpets that had to be torn out. Joists rebuilt. Walls insulated. Roof re-shingled.  But it's stronger now. It's much more WHOLE.  It has been loved deeply. All the way down to the joists. Now is when the cosmetic changes come about.  And with ME it is the same way.  I tried from the outside in once. It didn't work so well. I tried masking my pain with makeup and new styles or a fake smile.  But like painting over rust or MOLD- the paint eventually bubbles until you can't ignore it.  So I've done a lot of work.  And I can see there is a lot of work ahead.  But now that my shelter is stable I can sit for a while.  To ponder.  To dream.  To anticipate. To just BE.  And I'm rather enjoying it.  

I have come back to the world of social media, but it's different now.  Not because it is but because *I* am.  I am much more confident to be the AUTHOR of my story. The CONTRACTOR and CONSTRUCTION CREW of my safe place within me. 

And I consider that my own Small Victory.  

Prone to Wander

I was sitting in a beautifully paneled office today doing my warm up exercises while waiting for the chiropractor.  Over the speakers I heard this gorgeous instrumental music.  I gulped down the lump in my throat and blinked away the tears.  It was a song I know well.  As the music played I heard the words in my head and felt them in my heart.

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Here by Thy great help I've come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home

Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the throne of God
He to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

Oh, to grace how great a debtor
Daily Im constrained to be
Let that grace now, like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Heres my heart, oh, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, Im fixed upon it
Mount of Thy unchanging love

***

I miss worshiping with those I love.  

I miss the divine and sacred experiences of being wholly (and thus holy) with others. 

It's not gone from my life forever. In fact, I think I have had more holy and sacred experience since I have decided to live wholly. But I felt the longing, the yearning today.  

And that's ok. 

And because that's ok I can see that I am making progress.

I *love* this version. 

Simple. 

Pure.

Not going to break me

I found this song today. Excellent timing universe.  I needed this:



Crista Wells
"This Thing Is Not Going To Break You"

You could not plan for this
No, there was no silhouette
Up against the pink horizon
To warn you of the hit
But you absorbed it all with grace
Like a child you spoke of faith unmoved
That holds onto you

This thing is going to try to break you
But it doesn’t have to
You’re showing us how
This thing is going to bend and shape you
But He won’t let it take you
You know it somehow
This thing is not going to break you

You  could take your loss
You could hide away from us
With your grief lassoed around you
But you’re laying it in the sun
And you stare straight into the light
You say you’d rather go blind than look away
What can I say?

This thing is going to try to break you
But it doesn’t have to
You’re showing us how
This thing is going to bend and shape you
But He won’t let it take you
You know it somehow
This thing is not going to break you
This thing is not going to break you
This thing is not going to break you

A Worthy Cause

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Tortoise in a Hare's world.

Winter months.

Sickness travels.

My body is telling me to slow down. 

Walk.

Sit.

Be.

When inside I feel the urge to run from things I can't hide from.  The ugly parts of me that I don't want to own. 

I think it is no coincidence that it all comes at a time when I have stated out loud my desire to be healthier.  Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. And I think that I'm learning that to do this is a LONG process.  Not over in a day.  My counselor suggests that when we train for a marathon it is long hard work that can't be done in a single try.  

This is not what I expected. 

I imagined getting/being healthy would look like cute workout clothes and ENERGY! Lots of energy to Go and Do and CONQUER! And I'm finding the mental/emotional battle is HARD.  

EXHAUSTING.

My body is exhausted.

So I'm trying to slow down. 

Not just "take care of me" but to truly Care FOR me. 

This morning I started with a visit to the eye doctor.  I've been to the chiropractor, hospital for x-rays of my back, medical doctor for body, counselor for mind, and some wise authors for spirit.  I AM taking charge of my life.

I just had no idea it would be this exhausting.

(Not to mention raising 3 boys and working to build a healthy relationship with my husband...) 

Just reading all of that reminds me that it is a LOT of work and that I have every right to be exhausted.  

So here's to naptime! May it come swiftly and without anger.