Pack Light

I have a feed-my-soul trip coming up and the advice I was given was to "Pack Light". 

So I'm going to see what I can do in the way of packing light.

I am usually one who likes to pack like the woman in the second picture.

TOO MUCH STUFF. 

I have a hard time getting past the "what if" and not bringing the kitchen sink. 

This time- I'm taking it as it comes. 

Whatever that means. 

It's new for me.

But I'm excited at the sheer possibilities that can come from not being weighed down physically and emotionally with so much STUFF.

6 People and Lotteries

While contemplating who to share my story with I re-found this:




People Who Do NOT Deserve to Hear My Story: 

1.The friend who hears your story and feels shame for you.  She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make *her* feel better.

2. The friend who responds with sympathy, "I feel so sorry for you," rather than empathy, "I get it. I feel you.  I've been there.  Wanna see a shame cyclone turn deadly throw one of these at it, "Oh you poor thing!" or the passive aggressive Southern version of sympathy, "Bless your heart!"

3.The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity.  She can't help because she's too disappointed in you.  You've let *her* down.

4.The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds, "How did you let this happen?"

5. The friend who is all about making it better and out of her own discomfort refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices. "You're exaggerating.  It wasn't that bad."

6. The friend who confuses connection with the opportunity to one-up you. "That's nothing! Listen to what happened to ME!"



"I'm looking for the person that loves me not despite my vulnerability and imperfection but because of it.  I'm looking for what I call my "move the body" friends. I'm looking for the folks who are going to show up and wade through the deep with me."

One or two in a lifetime and you're lucky.Two or three, LOTTERY.

Guess what?!

I think I've won the mega-all-time-superstar-lottery-of-the-galaxy! I love my Warrior Sisters who walk through all kinds of deep with me.  All at different levels.  And I am SO BLESSED!!


"You have to earn the right to hear MY story.  It's an HONOR to hold space for me when I'm in shame." 

(PS- I"m working on this myself- I'm still not there yet-- but I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow- When you know better you do better. Thank you Miss Maya.)

Roses

A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.

True.

But what about labels and the associations?

In the past I have identified myself as a WoPA: Wife of Porn Addict. 

Today I choose to identify myself as a Warrior Sister. 

Now, please don't think I'm judging anyone here.  I love my WoPA sisters.  

Here's the thing. 

Not everyone is a WoPA.  Not everyone is married.  Not everyone married is married to an addict- or maybe it's not an addiction to pornography.  I also feel a need to define myself AS MYSELF not in relation to anyone else.  (I realize "sister" is a relational term...stay with me here.)  

I want to define myself for who I am.  So who am I?  Am I the wife of a porn addict? Yes.  But my husband is so much more than just an addict.  He's a complex human being.  He's also learning how to be healthy. As am I.  I think the label Porn Addict is harsh.  Negative connotation.  I get the negative emotions associated. For now- it's an easy label.  But that's all about HIM.  What about Bob Me? 

I am a complex human being too.  I think we all are. 

Warrior= one who fights valiantly.  What am I fighting?  For my marriage.  For my health.  For the health of my family.  For hope.  For a brighter, healthier, richer future.  

Sister= a member of a sisterhood, which to say is an organization of women with a common interest (see warrior).  

I am a woman fighting for myself and others to be healthy and happy.  

This has always been a part of me.  

I'm glad I found it again.  

So if you read old posts- that's where I was then in the journey.  This is where I am now.  

And I am blessed beyond words for my sisters no matter what names they choose.  Blood and otherwise.  

History of Silence

I just found the Lyric video of Sara Bareilles's Brave.
Beautiful.
Hopeful.
Just what I need today.

Maybe you need it too.




The line that gets me today:
"And since your history of silence won't do you any good, did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty- why don't you tell them the truth?"

Sisters: I've got my warrior jewels on and am leaning in.  Being brave.  I even asked a friend to help with the kids today.  I can do this.

Wish me luck.

What a piece of work is man

Professor M. would always start class with a quote from one of his two favorite people; Shakespear or himself.  His rich Indian accent, a knowing glint in his eye and a chuckle always accompanied his favorite sayings.  standing in front of the room with his sweater on and his brown balding head shining in the florescent lighting he would stand behind the lectern and offer up wisdom for us to ponder. "what a piece of work is man!"

Indeed. I think we often underestimate the power and beauty we possess. We look at our life and think, "What a mess!"

I am not an organized person by nature. I have piles where others might have labeled boxes. I do consider myself creative but not an artist. (An artist should know painting and proportions or something. I just make it up as I go.) My lack of organization and discipline to keep things today has sometimes been a point of shame and embarrassment.

But I'm tired of being ashamed. I'm tired of being embarrassed. I want to be REAL, piles and all. Because I believe God made me and i believe I have just as much potential for beauty as I do for mess.

I found this card the other day and gave it to my husband. I believe we are here to see what we can become, who we can create ourselves to be. There is power in deciding and doing that is not part of finding. (though i believe there is also substantial finding in the process).

What a piece of work is man!

Yes. A masterpiece.
Deep. Messy at times. And beautiful.
i needed to share those thoughts. Now I'm off to create myself.

Laying the past down behind me

Love Beside Me

I know now there's no one here to blame
I could but what good would that do
It wouldn't change a thing
So I grew accustomed to the shame
The sharp sting of your poison
Trying so hard to erase
All the good in me

If this is love beside me
I'm working on forgiveness
Laying the past down behind me
Letting go the ways that I've been hurt
Let the rivers rise and rage
I'll try and stand with grace

If everything is love

In the end the war had left us broken
Mourning all the things I'd lost
The debts I couldn't pay,
But I didn't want to disappear
I was caught in TV static
Sinking into grey
No more to give away

If this is love beside me
I'm working on forgiveness
Laying the past down behind me
Letting go the ways that I've been hurt
Let the rivers rise and rage
I'll try to stand with grace
If everything is love

If this is love beside me
I'm working on forgiveness
Laying the past down behind me
Letting go the ways that I've been hurt
Let the rivers rise and rage
I'll try to stand with grace

If this is love beside me
This is love beside me
This is love beside me

Songwriters
MATTHEW B MORRIS, SARAH ANN MCLACHLAN, TOM DOUGLAS

Published by
Lyrics © BMG PLATINUM SONGS

Work Your Own Program

After the healing high of The Togetherness Project I came back to real life and let life get back in the way. I let myself get distracted with my husband's recovery. I let my worries and judgements of others seemingly judging me get in the way of BEING ME and Working my own program.  Thank goodness my counselor was able to help point me straight again. (Not that it was easy-I hate seeing that I'm turned 180 degrees when I thought I was only a few off--no wonder I was headed in the wrong direction...) So I'm trying to work MY program as prescribed by ME, what speaks to my heart and soul.

And I just found this new artist that I *LOVE*: mikaela kahn Some people describe her as the next Sara Bareilles. Which is lovely.