Change it up.

Reading blog posts of other WoPA is comforting and inspiring and exhausting.

I had a good weekend. Connected more with my husband- got some REAL responses from him.

Lots of spiritual uplift and encouragement.

Some frank discussions about boundaries.

And yet I'm still feeling numb.  

This blog post about Dead Hearts and Resurrection  hits close to home.  Right now I'm struggling because I want SO BADLY to work on MY healing and recovery.  But I find it near impossible when I don't even have a quiet moment to THINK.

There is no such thing as quiet at our house.  3 boys.  If by chance it is quiet, you'd better investigate because there are big things going down.  I don't sleep well. I can't remember a time when I did.  I have physical pain a lot that I feel is directly liked to my emotional ailments.

Poignant lesson from my crying (*more whine than cry) 4year old.
Mom: What's wrong?
4year old: I just keep getting hurt.
Mom: Then do something different.


Let's reverse it for a minute.
God: What's wrong?
Crying Me: I just keep getting hurt.
God: Then do something different.


My thoughts are jumbled. My children just escaped out the back door in their PJs.  I'm tired, and lonely, and sad.  I don't know HOW to find the energy/strength/courage to do something different.  Or what that different would be.  I would really like to take a step away from parenting so I can work on me and be a better parent.  Because survival mode is important in a crisis- but life lived in crisis makes four a lousy life.  I KNOW I am robbing my kids of a mom who is there. With it.  Who genuinely cares.  (I care, but not like I should.) I am robbing myself of life. I'd like to say I'm robbing my husband of a loving caring spouse, but I already feel like *I* am the one that lost that.

I need my Mom.  Which is hard.  Because I haven't told her yet.  I don't know how.

This weekend was mostly a nice change of pace.  I had my husband home.  I had inspiring talks to listen to. We visited with family and I still felt largely like an impostor because I can't tell them of my hurt.  I don't trust them.  I find there are few (if any) who I do trust these days.

Ugh. Not in a good place.  I HATE this emotional rollercoaster!

A good reminder.